Here is a spoof piece that I wrote about lame-ass heiress, Paris Hilton a couple of years ago.
Paris Hilton To Tour Flood-Damaged Iowa On July 25th!
First President George Bush did it, then John McCain did it. And of course the next logical candidate to tour areas damaged and destroyed by massive flooding in Iowa is none other than Paris Hilton!
(Insert your snicker here!)
According to a close friend of mine from Des Moines, rumors have been swirling the past week that there have been phone conversations between Paris Hilton and Iowa Governor Chet Culver about the heiress touring flood damaged areas of Iowa with Hilton expressing an interest on touring the state on July 25th.
One question immediately sprang to my mind after being informed of this rumor.
Why the hell would this rich, spoiled, talentless self-centered woman want to tour Iowa when the state is going through such a difficult time let alone on this specific date?
My answer, who the hell knows!
But this is one writer who’s not going to pass up an opportunity to speculate why.
So, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Paris Hilton wants to tour flood damaged Iowa on July 25th:
10. When Hilton was released from jail due to violating her probation last year she vowed to visit Rwanda, but as of this date hasn’t, and let’s face it, never will because of her “busy” schedule so she probably figured visiting Iowa was good enough because it’s a foreign country too.
9. Her pampered pooch, Tinkerbell threatened to sell her latest sex tape in high definition 3D if she didn’t get her bony butt out of the state for awhile and give her a break. (As if Iowans haven’t suffered enough from the floods already, here comes Paris Hilton to wreck the day!)
8. As the self-proclaimed “iconic blonde of the decade” she felt it was her duty to spread goodwill to Iowa through her blondness and stupidness.
7. ARE YOU KIDDING! Touring flood damaged Iowa is a major photo op baby and there ain’t no way in hell Paris Hilton is gonna’ miss out on that action!
6. Being voted the second “worst celebrity role model of 2006″ behind Britney Spears has inspired her to try to change her image. (Good luck honey because that just ain’t gonna’ happen in this lifetime!)
5. Paris is pissed off at her latest boytoy, Benji Madden for saying that the late great superstar acting dog, Benji was “hotter” than Tinkerbell. (Now that’s hot!)
4. Paris plans on holding a “famous for being famous” rally Howard Dean-style in Iowa to find a new bff. (Because not only is she going to Iowa, Howard Dean she’s going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then she’s going to California and Texas and New York … And then she’s going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and when she finally finds her new bff they are going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeah!)
3. Paris wants to give away free copies of her flop movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, to try to cheer victims of the Iowa flood up. (Omigod!)
2. Paris is hoping to get an autographed picture of Iowa band, Slipknot, to sell on ebay to help raise money for the victims of the flood rather than digging into her own deep pockets.
1. She wants publicity, pure and simple, for her upcoming movie, song, clothing line, perfume, dog adoption, runway gig, burger commercial or whatever else this chick is trying to shove down the American public’s throats. (Ewww, gross!)
Hey Paris, do everyone a favor and especially Iowa, stay at home!