Let’s face it people, there are alot of ways to quit your job and tell your asshole employer to go to hell so for those of you brave-ass individuals ready to take the plunge and tell your boss to take this job and shove it, consider sending this totally impersonal email to do it.
(By the by: At this time I would like to send a heavenly shout out to Mr. Johnny Paycheck and his kick-ass tune, “Take This Job And Shove It!” Mr. Paycheck you sang a timeless tune that will always stand the test of time because unfortunately there are some things in life that you can never escape from no matter how hard you try such as cockroaches, death, blonde hair dye and shitty employers. So, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, a beautiful-talented-big-ass-and-not-afraid-to-blow-her-own-horn-black-girl am loudly and proudly stating in this blog post that I like old school country music and that includes your kick-ass country song baby! So beautiful talented country music dude, rest in heavenly peace baby, rest in heavenly peace! And thanks a bunch for singing that kick-ass song!)
So let’s get this country party started!
Email Subject Title: “Dear Employer”
(P.S. For maximum effect, when composing the job quitting email letter be sure to put only “Dear Employer” in the subject area of the email so that the email will seem extremely sweet-ass and shit and your dumb-ass employer won’t have any idea that you’re about to kick his or her sorry ass to the curb. Make it look like any other email that you would send to the cocksucker during the course of an ordinary business day. Anyhoo, job quitters of the world, always remember to use the hell out of subterfuge! Deceit when quitting a job rules the day! And for you goody-goodies out there who totally disagree with me, KISS MY ASS!)
Movin’ on!
Email Letter Text:
(P.S. Try using something like the below text to really sock it to your boss and don’t forget to play around with negative and curse words in your email job quitting letter. Show no mercy to your stupid-ass boss! Remember, kill, kill, kill! But I mean not literally! You could go to jail or get the death penalty for that shit! When I say “kill” I mean don’t be afraid to get all harsh language on his or her ass in your email letter. Remember in your job quitting email letter to be as creative and as harsh as fucking possible!)
Anyhoo, here we go!
“Dear Employer (otherwise known as slavedriver, tightwad, moneybags, head honcho, big cheese, scumbag, moron, all-around a-hole….)”
(P.S. At this time I would like to give three big ol’ shoutouts to my former bosses, Mitchell Young of Business New Haven Newspaper and Blake and Angela Walker of Illusions at Large! Hey assholes, I composed this job quitting email letter with you imbeciles in mind. Ahhh, payback is sooo sweet!)
Anyhoo, back to the show!
“This email is to inform you that I am terminating my employment with your company effective RIGHT NOW!”
(The last two words should be strongly stressed.)
“YEAH, BABY! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”
(Try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress your point.)
“As you may have guessed since I quit my job with your company via this impersonal, but extremely satisfying means of communication called ‘the email,’ there’s no friggin’ way that i’m givin’ you idiots 2 weeks notice per company policy. And don’t even think about fuckin’ with my medical or dental insurance or you’ll regret it because I got compromising pictures of you from the office Christmas party that i’m sure your spouse would just love!”
“However, since I didn’t give you adequate notice, to be fair, I feel it is my duty to at least help you find the most bug-eyed replacement on the planet, just to help you out in your time of need because that’s the kind of generous person I am.”
“You know you’re gonna’ miss me!”
(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)
“Dear employer, I want with all my heart and generous soul for one of my bug-eyed replacement’s eyeballs to pop out of the socket and plop right into your eight dollar cup of Starbucks coffee, sunny-side up!”
“Mmmm good!”
“And plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!”
“And quite frankly, be exactly what you deserve, scumbag!”
“Plus on the bright and sunny side up side, it would boost employee morale to see an eyeball pop into the boss’ coffee plus give them something to talk and laugh about for years to come!”
“So tightwad, do your employees a favor and hire a bug-eyed replacement for me right away!”
“If in doubt dear employer, remember the Folgers Coffee slogan, ‘The best part of wakin’ up … is Folgers and a nasty-ass veiny eyeball in your cup.”
“Hey, I don’t know why but for some reason seeing a nasty eyeball pop out of a socket and plop into the boss’ cup of coffee sunny-side up seems to break up the monotony of a work day.”
“Go figure!”
“Okay people reading this blog post job quitting email letter, I know that i’m one sick sarcastic puppy but if taking pleasure in seeing a new employee’s eyeball pop out of a socket into a cup of frothy cappuccino sunny-side up into a shitty boss’ cup of expensive-ass coffee is wrong, I don’t want to be right baby! I don’t want to be right! So sayeth the lord, so sayeth the shepherd!”
“At this time, I am now going to start talking about that ‘quitting my job with your company’ thing again.”
“I want to take the time to assure you that the decision to quit my job with your company was not an easy one, but rather an EXTREMELY EASY ONE which involved 90 seconds of thought in between taking a leak and nuking some pizza rolls during a commercial break of an old Grey’s Anatomy episode.”
“No, seriously!”
“It was oh so difficult! And i’m being oh so sarcastic!”
“I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”
(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)
“No more ulcers and zits for me!”
“Hey, that rhymes! Anyhoo……..”
“In closing, I want to take the time to express my gratitude to you dear employer for giving me a truly horrible employment experience with your company and with you personally.”
“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”
“I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of skills and experience that I acquired at your company and from you personally that will bring me more money, happiness and benefits from my next employer. Thanks alot, moron!”
“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”
“No, seriously!”
“Sincerely,”
“Your former employee (otherwise known as “little toy you like to play with”, peon, slave, lackey, personal punching bag, hack, old workhorse, “innocent flawless hardworking victim.)”
(And job quitters, don’t forget to digitally sign and date your “Take This Job And Shove It” job quitting email letter. And you’re done! Hooray! Like Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last!”)
(By the by: Below are the kick-ass lyrics to the kick-ass country music song, “Take This Job And Shove It!” by Johnny Paycheck. Enjoy! And if you want to include them in your job quitting email letter too, cool!)
And that concludes Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s Online Jacked-The-Fuck-Up Job Quitting Seminar! Happy job quitting to you! And dear employer, I love you!
(Loud-ass snicker!)
Take This Job And Shove It!
A Song performed by Johnny Paycheck
(Chorus)
Take this job and shove it I ain’t workin’ here no more
My woman done left and took all the reason I was working for
Ya, better not try and stand in my way
Cause I’m walkin’, out the door
Take this job and shove it I ain’t working here no more
Well, I been working in this factory for now on fifteen years
All this time, I watched my woman drownin’ in a pool of tears
And I’ve seen a lot of good folks die who had a lot of bills to pay
I’d give the shirt right off of my back if I had the guts to say…
(Chorus)
The foreman, he’s a regular dog the line boss, he’s a fool
Got a brand new flat top haircut Lord, he thinks he’s cool
One of these days I’m gonna blow my top and that sucker, he’s gonna pay
I can’t wait to see their faces when I get the nerve to say…
(Chorus)
Take this job and shove it
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