April 17, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Politics, Retro · Tagged 2008 Presidential Election, Advice, Barack Obama, Comedy, First Lady, Funny, Humor, Michelle Obama, Politicians, Politics, President, Quit, Retro, Shut Your Yap, Shutup, Stupid Comments, Talking, United States Of America, Unpatriotic
This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!
Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.
Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.
Which was like sooo totally lame!
But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!
He’s so tubular! Omigod!
And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.
Which was like so grody to the max!
But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!
He’s so tubular! Omigod!
Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.
Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)
Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.
Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!
I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?
When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!
You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!
Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!
Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!
Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.
At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?
So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!
So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!
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April 14, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Politics, Retro · Tagged 2008 Presidential Election, Air Force One, Blow Job, Dick Cheney, Digs, Fellatio, Home, Housing, Jay Leno, Joke, Mistress, Monica Lewinsky, Number One Observatory Circle, Official, Oral Sex, The Tonight Show, Veep, Vice President
This is a piece that I wrote back in May 2008 on Instablogs for the 2008 Presidential Election. So jump into the retro time machine and enjoy a gem from 2008!
Hey!
Am I the only person in the United States of America who didn’t know that there was a Vice Presidential Mansion?
I feel so dumb!
I feel so left out!
I’m really hurt!
To think that I had to hear about this interesting fact on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno while he was telling a joke!
How come they didn’t teach this stuff back in the 70’s when I was in elementary school!
Damn catholic schools!
Why am I always the last to know things!
Why couldn’t I have read it in a text book in school just like everybody else!
Why must I always be left out of the loop!
I’m really hurt!
In fact, i’m devastated!
I just hope I have the fortitude to finish writing this story.
(Okay Tina, enough of this pity party, you can do it! Channel your emotions and finish writing this story! Okay?)
(Okay!)
P.S. I was briefly talking to myself but that’s over with now and i’m talking to you.
Anyhoo back to the show!
I mean, I knew that the Vice President lived somewhere, I knew the guy wasn’t exactly homeless or anything but I never thought that he had his own OFFICIAL residence!
It just sounds so formal!
You go, boy!
No offense to the Veep an all, but for me, i’m mostly all about the President and think of our Vice President as an afterthought.
But this whole Vice Presidential mansion thing has me looking at this guy in a whole new light.
I feel kinda’ proud of the guy.
Go figure!
Hey!
For those of you out there like me who also didn’t know that the Veep had an official residence either here’s a little info.
His digs are called Number One Observatory Circle.
A weird name I first thought too until I found out that the joint was located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. hence the name.
Duh!
The house was built in 1893 and Vice President Walter Mondale was the first Veep to live in the house full-time and every Veep since then has lived at Number One Observatory Circle.
Cool beans!
Gee whiz, why am I always the last person to know about things!
I just hope that there’s nothing else about the Veep that I don’t know.
If Dick Cheney has an Air Force 2 airplane or a tacky intern mistress ala’ Monica Lewinsky that everybody else knows about but me, i’m going to be totally pissed!
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April 13, 2012 · Filed under Food, Humor & Funny Things, Reviews, Tina Knowledgeable Peden's A Noteworthy Attribute Reviews, Travel · Tagged $6.25, Adventure, Blue Cheese, Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap, Chap's Grille, Chapel Street, Chicken, Connecticut, Culinary Masters, Delicious, Diamonds, Discover, East Coast, Food, Foodies, George Jetson, Gold, Greens, Grillz, Jewelry, Kitchen, Nelly, New Haven, Paul Wall, Restaurant, Reviews, Silver, Space Age, Spicy, Teeth, Travel, Visit, Wander Lust, Winnebago, Yale University, Yalie
Hey foodies, culinary masters and all of the rest of you with the wander lust bug out there, are you think about doing a little traveling soon in your big-ass Winnebago with the space age George Jetson kitchen?
If so, take a break from grilling the porterhouse steak
and check out a little ol’ restaurant in New Haven Connecticut
that even the most discerning cowboy dines at!
To learn more about Chap’s Grille please click on
Excellent Food New Haven Connecticut Style!
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April 12, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Reviews, Tina Knowledgeable Peden's A Noteworthy Attribute Reviews, Travel · Tagged East Coast, New England, New Hampshire, Portsmouth, Seacoast, Tourism, Travel, Trip, Vacation, Visit
Hey fellow travelers!
Are you thinking about taking a trip to the seacoast?
Is Portsmouth New Hampshire one of your stops?
If so, you must absolutely do this…..
To find out what you must absolutely do in Portsmouth New Hampshire, please click on Travel Portsmouth!
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April 9, 2012 · Filed under Editorial, Writing · Tagged Aloud, Caucasian, Encounters, Family Dollar, Imagination, Job, Lady, Laughing, Literary, Little, Mental, Modern Day, Negative Comments, Nonconformist, Old, Outlaws, Outloud, Rebel, Required, Store, Talking, Thinking, Tips, Unusual, Walking, Writer, Writing
Every week I take a trip out to the local Family Dollar Store to get a few items. From my home to the Family Dollar Store it is approximately a 15 minute walk. This past weekend I made my usual trip. Usually everything goes off without a hitch but not this time. You see on my 15 minute walks to and from Family Dollar I like to use the time to do some mental writing which usually entails coming up with something new to write about and post on my online blogs.
As I was walking home from Family Dollar and doing some thinking all of a sudden I came up with a clever line that one of my children’s story character’s could say. And as I so often do, I said the line outloud in the voice that I have imagined my children’s story character would talk in.
I was momentarily startled when out of nowhere a voice says, “Omigod!” When I turned around in the direction the voice had come from I was surprised to see a little old caucasian lady walking a few steps behind me tugging a small cart filled with groceries. My first thought was “Where the hell did this bitch come from?” since I usually have supersonic hearing and can tell instantly when someone comes up or walks behind me. However, I also know that sometimes when I really get into my mental writing I am literally transported into that world and am totally oblivious to everything around me. Basically, I don’t hear jack shit and this of course was one of those times.
After a few awkward seconds of eye contact with the little old caucasian lady I noticed in addition to tugging her small-ass cart of groceries she was also looking at me like I was totally crazy. Her expression was so comical that when I turned back around I immediately began laughing which the little old caucasian lady obviously heard with her only being steps behind because this time I hear her say, “Crazy kids!” quite loudly. As you can imagine this made me laugh even harder. A few seconds later, we both came to an intersection which I crossed and she made a right turn onto another street.
A few moments later as I was still thinking about my brief unusual encounter with the little old caucasian lady with a big ol’ smile on my face again I was momentarily surprised and I knew why. You see a couple of times in my life people from family members to friends to co-workers to total strangers have heard me talking aloud to myself and like most people I get a little embarrassed but not this time and again I knew the reason why.
Even though I was talking aloud to myself, I was working. I was mental writing and to me that’s legitimate work. And that’s just one of the many things that us writers do, we use our imaginations to picture what the characters in our stories will look like, how they will dress, their mannerisms, how they will talk and so much more. So technically I was only doing what was required of me. Something every writer does so there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I didn’t do anything wrong or strange although the little old caucasian lady seemed to think that I did.
In her eyes I wasn’t conforming to the usual rules of society which dictate that you don’t talk aloud to yourself in a public place. But who cares! I was on Saturday, April 7th and will be for the rest of my life proud of myself for laughing off the little old caucasian lady’s negative comments. So little old caucasian lady who was walking behind me on Saturday afternoon I just want to say that “I’m not crazy!” It just so happens that talking aloud to yourself when you’re a writer is not crazy but required because it is a vital part of the job! So take that, honey!
P.S. Writers all over the world and Elvis have left the building with their heads held high and we don’t care what other people say about us when we talk aloud to ourselves while we are working! After all, we’re modern day literary outlaws! We don’t conform, we change the world with our words and there ain’t no way in hell we’ll do the norm! So take that little old caucausian lady and all of you other haters out there! We writers, rule the world!
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April 5, 2012 · Filed under Advice, Dating & Relationships, Humor & Funny Things · Tagged Advice Column, Air Freshner, Altoid Mints, Artery, Boxing Gloves, Carmen Sandiego, Change, Clogged, Date, Dating, Dating & Relationships, Detective, Doctor's Office, Double Cheeseburger, Drawers, Eating Habits, Establishment, Fart, First Aid Kit, Fried, Fries, Girls, Grease, Health Food, Junk Food Junkie, Knowledge, Physical Examination, Puke, School, Shit, Staff, Stomach, Suicide, Supplies, Tips, Tums Antacid, Turn Over A New Leaf, Twinkies, Upchuck, Vomit, Walmart
Hey Junk Food Junkie Gals, let me give you a tip.
DON’T CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO OUT ON A DATE!
JFJ Gals, your date ain’t gonna’ be able to handle it and your stomach damn well ain’t gonna’ be able to handle this shit either! Literally!
Girl let me school ya’!
Your stomach is used to all of that beautiful artery clogging grease due to all of those thick-ass, stacked-ass double cheeseburgers with all of the fixins that you have been wolfin’ down and all of those long-ass salty-ass french fries drenched with catsup that you have been scarfin’ up and all of those golden brown fried twinkies loaded with so many damn preservatives that if you left the bitch for 100 years and came back, the damn twinkie would still be edible, that your gluttonous ass has been gobblin’ up!
Girl, that’s the shit that your stomach is used to! So Girl, don’t be goin’ and committin’ suicide all up on your date! Girl, let me tell ya’ that your date ain’t gonna’ like it, the police ain’t gonna’ like it, the paramedics ain’t gonna’ like it and your family and friends sure as hell ain’t gonna’ like being inconvenienced and having to dole out mad cash simply because your stupid-ass got herself killed by deciding to turn over a new health food leaf on your date! Girl, wake the fuck up! So Girl, quit it! But in your case, don’t begin it!
Girl, if your dumb junk food junkie ass wants to turn over a new health food leaf, choose a different appropriate time like a week or two before you have your annual physical examination at the doctor’s office! Girl, that’s the perfect time for your junk food eatin’ ass!
BUT and I mean a big-ass BUT, for all of my stubborn-ass Junk Food Junkie Gals absolutely determined to turn over a new health food leaf on their date then your dumb-ass had better come prepared! Girl, let me give you some more advice and I pray to God you’ll take it this time. For God’s sake, go to the nearest Walmart before you go on your date and stock up on these supplies.
A big-ass can of air freshner due to all of the fartin’ and shittin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a tin of altoid mints due to your nasty stinky breath from all of the upchuckin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a couple packages of tums antacid due to all of the upchuckin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, an extra pair of drawers due to soiling yourself from all of the fartin’ and shittin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego Detective Kit” for your date so that he can find you and determine if you simply deserted his ass or your shits really take that long, some boxing gloves so that you can protect yourself from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you’ll be receiving from the establishment’s staff for stinkin’ up their bathroom and cloggin’ up their toilet and last but not least a first aid kit so that you can patch yourself up from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you received due to all of the fartin’, shittin’, upchuckin’ and toilet cloggin’ that you did all up in that establishment’s bathroom.
Girl, be prepared for World War 3 if you decide to change your eating habits right before you go out on a date!
And don’t say, my girl, Tina Knowledgeable Peden didn’t warn you!
Because I did!
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April 3, 2012 · Filed under Dating & Relationships, Editorial, Humor & Funny Things, Sex · Tagged Attitude, Bed Bugs, Bleeding Love, Blood, Doin' The Nasty, Experimentation, Freaky Deaky, Fuck, Gross, Juice, Leona Lewis, Lyrics, Maiden, Menstrual Period, Menstruation, Music, Nail, PETA, Pint, Pussy, Red Hot, Ridin' The Crimson Wave, Sex, Sex Life, Shitload, Shopping Spree, Song, Sperm, Spice Up, Vanilla, Wet, Women
Usually when most women think about having sex during their menstual periods the word, “gross” immediately springs to mind. But let me tell you something my fellow maidens that extremely creative women like me already know and that is a woman can have the best damn sex of her life while she’s ridin’ the crimson wave! And here are a few examples, my fellow maidens.
1. If you have sex on your menstrual period and ruin the bed sheets, couch cushions, carpeting on the floor or the brand new red and white checkered table cloth that your mother-in-law bought you at Walmart for $12.99 the good news is that you have the perfect excuse to go on a shopping spree! And oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, how us girls loves us some shopping spree! Hooray!
2. My fellow maidens let’s face it, guys love two things when it comes to sex. First they like it “red hot” and second they like it “wet!” So by having sex on your menstrual period your guy gets a kick-ass 2 for 1 deal. Since menstrual blood is red and the vagina is usually hot, you’re giving that lucky bastard exactly what he wants! And let’s face it fellow maidens, what guy wants to stick his hot prick all up into a dry-ass hole, B-O-R-I-N-G! Maidens, since menstrual blood is wet, again your giving that lucky bastard what he wants, a slick-ass hole that he can ease on down ease on down the road into.
3. For all of those prim and proper maidens out there whose sex lives have become extremely “vanilla” and it’s driving them fucking crazy, doin’ the nasty on your menstrual period can break you out of that boring gelatin mold that you are stuck in. Maidens, experimentation and getting a little freaky deaky when it comes to sex can bring a couple even closer together which is something most women want.
4. If you are one of those maidens that lives in a dump or shitty-ass house or apartment due to low finances, attending college or you simply are into slumming just think how happy you’re gonna’ make some of the bed bugs in your crappy crib by gettin’ busy with your man while your on your menstual period since those sons of bitches can live for a year off a single drop of blood! Just think you’re not only gonna’ score mad points from the constantly discriminated bed bug community but from PETA as well! You go humanitarian, girl!
5. To some guys a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” can be a real turn on! So by having sex during your menstual period you are basically showing your man that he ain’t no damn inconvenience and there ain’t no shame to your game. Meaning: You’ve had sex together in the past with your man and you have cleaned up a shitload of his sperm and gallons and gallons of your own pussy juice so cleaning up a few pints of menstrual blood after sex is no big deal. And maidens, guys who love gals with “I don’t give a fuck attitudes” are gonna’ love you for your free nasty-ass spirit!
6. Fuck roses, chocolates and romantic poems! What better way to declare your love for your man by fucking his brains out on your menstrual period to Leona Lewis’ hit song, “Bleeding Love!” Let’s face it maidens, nothing says “I love you” more than this.
So maidens, my advice to you is to: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT TILL YOUR SATISFIED, even if it is during your monthly menstrual period!
After all, who the fuck cares!
Go for it!
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March 30, 2012 · Filed under Pop Culture, Sex · Tagged Cock, Entertainment, Hollywood, Inequality, Johnson, Movies, Penis, Pickle, Prick, See, Show, Tallywhacker, TV, Want, Women
Here is an article that I wrote and put on Instablogs in June 2008 and i’m sad to report almost four years later not much has changed.
Back in the day when a crew was shooting a porno and a guy’s penis was exposed you could immediately hear the word “pickle” shouted from every rooftop until that shot was erased.
With movies like “9 1/2 Weeks” and tv shows like “Sex and the City” shattering taboos on human sexuality there is one thing that has unfortunately remained unchanged.
And that’s Hollywood’s refusal to show “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.
And as a 38 heterosexual Black Female, I gotta’ say that’s a damn shame!
I mean, oh sure, we gotta’ glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “pickle” in the first “Terminator” movie and we got to see Richard Gere’s “pickle” in “American Gigolo” and thank you God, we got to see a snippet of Denzel Washington’s “pickle” in the movie, “Ricochet” but basically other than a scattering you really see little “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.
To finish reading the rest of my article please click on “I want to see more guy’s pickles! I relish them!”
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March 27, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Pop Culture, Tina "Knowledgeable" Peden's Pop Culture Dictionary · Tagged Addict, Ashton Kutcher, Beat, Bird, Celebrities, Dictionary, Dude, Follow, Funny, Humor, Impersonator, Jackson 5, Living, LOL, Lyrics, Major, Michael Jackson, Pissed Off, Pop Culture, Psycho, Reciprocate, Rockin' Robin, Shit, Sing, Skip, Song, Spoof, Tina Knowledgeable Peden, Tool, Tweet, Twitter, Twitterer
(Definition) Twittertude occurs when a person decides to “follow” a fellow twitterer on Twitter then gets extremely pissed off when the person doesn’t reciprocate by following them.
I will now use this word in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.
Hey dude, look at that dumb-ass tool with a major twittertude beating the living shit out of that Michael Jackson impersonator just because the guy skipped by him singing The Jackson 5 lyric, “Rockin’ Robin, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet!” Damn dude, Ashton Kutcher is a total psycho Twitter addict!
And for all of you Twitter addicts out there with major twittertudes, here’s some song lyrics just for you!
Rockin’ Robin by The Jackson 5!
He rocks in the tree tops all day long
Hoppin’ and a-boppin’ and singing his song
All the little birdies on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin, tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin’ tweet tweetly-tweet
Blow rockin’ robin
‘Cause we’re really gonna rock tonight
Every little swallow, every chick-a-dee
Every little bird in the tall oak tree
The wise old owl, the big black crow
Flappin’ their wings singing go bird go
Rockin’ robin, tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin’ tweet tweetly-tweet
Blow rockin’ robin
‘Cause we’re really gonna rock tonight
Yeah yeah
Pretty little raven at the bird-band stand
Told them how to do the bob and it was grand
They started going steady and bless my soul
He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriol
He rocks in the tree tops all day long
Hoppin’ and a-boppin’ and singing his song
All the little birdies on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin, tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin’ tweet tweetly-tweet
Blow rockin’ robin
‘Cause we’re really gonna rock tonight
Pretty little raven at the bird-band stand
Told them how to do the bop and it was grand
They started going steady and bless my soul
He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriol
He rocks in the tree tops all day long
Hoppin’ and a-boppin’ and singing his song
All the little birdies on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin, tweet tweet tweet
Rockin’ robin’ tweet tweetly-tweet
Blow rockin’ robin
‘Cause we’re really gonna rock tonight
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March 26, 2012 · Filed under Greeting Cards, Humor & Funny Things · Tagged Adultery, Affair, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Candy, Chocolate, Friends, Funny, Gift, Greeting Card, Heart, Homewrecker, Humanitarian, Humor, Jennifer Aniston, Love, Movie Star, Old News, Retro, Separated, Special Occasion, Tv Star, Valentine's Day, Vintage
SCRIPT TYPE: Long Electronic Greeting Card
TITLE: Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005
Setting: This scene takes place in a Wrestling ring. There is a huge banner with words, Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005, on it. It hangs over the ring.
Characters: In one corner you have Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. In an opposite corner you have Kevin Jamison and his wife Shelley. The announcer is in the middle of the ring. The announcer introduces the couples. He speaks loudly but clearly into the microphone. He points at each couple as he introduces them.
Announcer: “Our champs, Brad and Jennifer are rich, have glamourous careers, are ood-looking and physically fit.”
“The challengers, Kevin and Shelley currently live paycheck to paycheck, work at dead-end 9 to 5 jobs, are ordinary-looking and slightly overweight.”
“And the winner of Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005 is Kevin and Shelley!”
“Why?”
“Because Kevin and Shelley will be CELEBRATING Valentine’s Day this year.”
(P.S. Brad and Jennifer won’t be because they separated in January 2005 mostly because of his adulterous love affair with that homewrecker humanitarian slut, Angelina Jolie.)
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March 20, 2012 · Filed under Editorial, Humor & Funny Things · Tagged Ants, Assholes, Atm, Badger, Big Bad Wolf, Big Screen, Broke, Bully, Burn, Butter, Chocolate Stars, Clean, Commercial, Concession, Crumbs, Cute Guy, Deceitful, Donation, Dookey, Dump, DVD, Famous Food, Famous For Nothing, Fart, Fine, Flavored Water, Football Players, Funny, Gasy, Girl Friends, Heidi Montag, High School, Hound, Humor, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Insist, Jelly, Jerry Lewis, LOL, Losers, Loveable, Macho, Magnifying Glass, Mountain Dew, Movie, Nag, Nasty, Netflix, No, Obnoxious, Parody, Pathetic, Peanut Butter, Pillar, Pledge, Popcorn, Popularity, Promote, Public Place, Reality Tv Shows, Shit, Speidi, Spencer Pratt, Spoof, Tap Water, Telethon, The Hills, Toast, Toilet, Top 10 Lists, Trailer, Upstanding, Urine, Washed Up, YouTube
Before I reveal my top 10 biggest assholes on the planet list, I have to give a big ol’ shout out to the two biggest assholes on the planet of all time. Congratulations to you douche bag, Spencer Pratt and congratulations to your creepy plastic surgery addicted awful looking wife, Heidi Montag! Spencer and Heidi your ridiculous and pathetic antics on the reality shows, “The Hills” and “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here” sealed your two biggest assholes on the planet of all time fate! Congratulations and my condolences!
Anyhoo, let’s get to my list!
1. Assholes who pledge money or make donations to telethon’s like The Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon in front of their bosses or a girl that they want to bang but when they are alone and it comes time to pay the piper they completely blow them off by cancelling the credit card on which they made the pledge or donation on or hangup on the telethon personnel when they call to find out why the pledge or donation hasn’t been paid or pitch the “donation is now due letter” into the trash that the telethon personnel sent them thereby wasting some of the precious money that the telethon collected for their cause from people who actually keep their word. Asshole!
2. Assholes who have the audacity to put a shitload of commercials and trailers IN FRONT of a YouTube video, NetFlix program, on a brand new DVD or Blockbuster Big Screen Movie that I have been dying to see not to mention paid $20.00 to see (and that price doesn’t include requisite big screen movie watching essentials like popcorn with extra butter, a large mountain dew and a box of chocolate stars) in order to promote the new movie or product that will be coming out soon and actually expect me to go out and buy a ticket to see the new movie or go out and buy the new product when they have wasted precious seconds of my time by forcing me to watch their stupid commercial or trailer. Asshole!
3. Inconsiderate assholes who get chunks of jelly in the peanut butter or leave toast crumbs in the butter for the next person to clean out and are shocked when that person is extremely pissed off that they have to do this. Asshole!
4. Assholes who are next in line at an ATM machine and keep sighing every couple of seconds just because they think that you are taking too long when if the truth be told you have only been at the damn thing for a couple of seconds. Asshole!
5. Female assholes who as young girls for their own amusement or to amp up their popularity with cute but macho high school football players used to burn the hell out of ants with a gigantic magnifying glass and then grow up and claim to be “fine upstanding pillars of the community.” Asshole!
6. Assholes who hound, badger and insist on helping you with something after you have politely told them numerous times, “No, thank you” or “I can do it myself” but simply won’t take “no” for an answer thereby making you feel like a helpless defenseless child being bullied by the big bad wolf. Asshole!
7. Nasty-ass assholes who use public restrooms and don’t take a couple of seconds to clean the sprinklets of urine or drop of dookey that they left behind on the toilet seat after they have taken a dump or a squirt and the next unfortunate person who has to use that particular toilet either has to clean that nasty shit off of the toilet themselves before they can sit down and do their business or the next unfortunate person who has to use that particular toilet has to do a major squat-job while they are doing their business but still are forced to have to look at that nasty shit on the toilet. Literally! Asshole!
8. Loveable but deceitful assholic friends who say, “Help yourself to a cold drink in the fridge.” and you do by selecting a bottle of flavored water only to spit the bland-ass shit out a second later when you discover that the flavored water bottle is filled up with plain ol’ tap water. (P.S. In your loveable but deceitful assholic friend’s defense, the plain ol’ tap water was “cold” so technically you did help yourself to a cold drink in the fridge but it would have been nice if your friend could of given you some kind of warning or the heads up because after all isn’t that what a friend does warn another friend that they are about to drink plain ol’ tap water instead of ultra-delicious peach-apricot flavored water.) Asshole!
9. Assholes that eat foods that they know damn well will make their systems gasy but do it anyway then have the nerve to go out to a public place like a restaurant or a library and start farting up a storm and when other people start noticing the smell and wondering who did it, the disgusting insensitive asshole has the nerve to look at you like your the culprit. Asshole!
10. Assholic girl friends that you have been best friends with for 15 years who you have made major plans months in advance with after 4 hours of primping and prepping dump your loyal female ass in a micro-minute to go out with a cute guy that they literally just met less than an hour ago. I love you, girl, but you are an Asshole!
SPENCER & HEIDI: The 2 Biggest Assholes On The Planet Of All Time!
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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!
April 17, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Politics, Retro · Tagged 2008 Presidential Election, Advice, Barack Obama, Comedy, First Lady, Funny, Humor, Michelle Obama, Politicians, Politics, President, Quit, Retro, Shut Your Yap, Shutup, Stupid Comments, Talking, United States Of America, Unpatriotic
This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!
Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.
Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.
Which was like sooo totally lame!
But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!
He’s so tubular! Omigod!
And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.
Which was like so grody to the max!
But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!
He’s so tubular! Omigod!
Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.
Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)
Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.
Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!
I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?
When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!
You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!
Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!
Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!
Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.
At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?
So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!
So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!
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