Archive for September, 2011

ARE THEY CHILD SAFETY HARNESSES OR FREAKS ON A LEASH!


This is a script that I published on the Rejection Hotline or rhbrands.com back in 2007 under their “It Could Always Suck More” section.

Script Title: “Freak on a Leash!”

(Script should be voiced by a child actor or an adult actor with a youthful sounding voice. Actor can be male or female.)

This script is in the tradition of Will Farrell’s Cursing Baby Viral Video (The Landlord). To view it please click on the link below.

The Landlord Video!

Script Text:

(Actor should speak in a nice soothing voice.)

“Did you have a bad day at the office?”

“Are you feeling down because your boss……….”

“Pointed out a stupid mistake that you made in front of all of your coworkers?”

“Stole one of your ideas then had the nerve to try to pass it off as his or her own?”

“Promoted someone half your age with half your experience to a position that should have rightly gone to you?”

(Actor should speak in a belligerent voice.)

“Well do this kid a favor and shutup about it because I don’t want to hear it!”

“Just remember that it could always suck more!”

“At least you are an adult who has the power to make your own decisions.”

“Try being a kid with NO power whose parents thinks it’s cute to parade them around in public on one of those stupid “kid leashes!”

“Oh wait a minute, did I call them “kid leashes”, i’m sorry, I meant to say “child safety harnesses!”

“I forgot, even us kids of today have to be politically correct!”

“Shutup!”

“So to all of you adults out there who have the power to make your own decisions, I don’t want to hear anymore of your whinin’ about your boss or your job!”

“It’s your own damn fault that you’re a total loser who’ll never rise above the first rung of the corporate ladder!”

“Shut your hole and quit bellyachin’ because some of us got real problems!”

“Just remember that it could always suck more and yes i’m talking about those damn “kid leashes again!”

“Imagine being four-years-old and having to put up with a bunch of dumb-ass first graders snickering, pointing and loudly yelling, “Look at the freak on a leash! Look at the freak on a leash!” whenever you go out in public on one of those damn things!”

“People don’t know how hard it is being the only four-year-old kid on the playground who gets mistaken for a 40-year-old midget due to the bloodshot eyes, nasty facial tic and sour disposition.”

“And yesterday, my Mother had the nerve to ask me why I carry around a bottle of Visine and a sippy cup full of rum and coke in my backpack?”

“Why do you think idiot!”

“Because you parade me around in public on one of those “kinky-ass S&M bondage”, “it’s time to walk the doggie”, “giddup little horsey”, “hey look it’s my first training bra”, “make a kid look like a kite if a good stiff wind comes along” stupid “kid leashes!”

“This is the reason why i’m a baby-faced lush!”

(Actor should speak in a sarcastic voice.)

“By the way, thanks Mom! Thanks Dad! You’re doin’ a great job! Keep up the good work! I’m gonna’ nominate you bozos for parent of the year!”

“Not!”

(Actor should speak in a belligerent voice.)

“So the next time you adults who have the power to make your own decisions feel the need to whine about how your boss forced you to work late making you miss game seven of the World Series, shut your hole and quit bellyachin’ cause some of us kids with no power don’t want to hear it because we got real problems!”

“Just remember that it could always suck more and yes i’m talking about those damn “kid leashes again!”

“Goodbye and have a nice day, loser!”

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SHAMROCK GIRL QUOTES (QUOTE 4)


Quote from superpet, Burke the Bird of The Adventures of Shamrock Girl series, “Well at least I have a lot of people who love me!” He then pointed one of his finger-like wings straight at Shamrock Girl. “On the other hand, everybody whoever loved you is currently suckin’ dirt six feet under except for this loser!” He then pointed at Emeralda.

To read the comic book style short story in which this quote came from please click, Shamrock Girl & The Bomb Pop Popsicle Injury!

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IT’S HARD ON THE VIEWERS WHEN A GOOD-ASS TV SHOW, “JUMPS THE SHARK!” OH, FARK!


(CHORUS)

Just like when the tv show, Dexter, killed off sweet little Rita,

A pimp dressed up in a furcoat on Starsky and Hutch really pissed off animal rights group, PETA,

It’s hard on the viewers when a good-ass tv show, “jumps the shark,”

Because we feel like we’ve been stabbed in the back Miami Vice-style by a drugged out coked out narc!

Oh, fark!

(VERSE 1)

Goodbye, cry, cry, cry supporting or lead actor,

It’s all about the Nielsen’s baby, that’s the only factor,

Shock the hell out of the viewers and kill that character off and we’ll win sweeps week,

35 million viewers, omigod, yes, producer’s orgasm comes to a spermy sticky peak!

(CHORUS)

Just like when the tv show, Dexter, killed off sweet little Rita,

A pimp dressed up in a furcoat on Starsky and Hutch really pissed off animal rights group, PETA,

It’s hard on the viewers when a good-ass tv show, “jumps the shark,”

Because we feel like we’ve been stabbed in the back Miami Vice-style by a drugged out coked out narc!

Oh, fark!

(VERSE 2)

The Fonz, king of cool, what the fuck, water skiing in a leather jacket and swimming trunks,

Even though that episode got major ratings, there were no “happy days” because it really stunk,

Despite this fact, many a tv show didn’t learn a damn thing from this,

Because they keep remaking retro tv shows turning them into modern day horse piss!

(CHORUS)

Just like when the tv show, Dexter, killed off sweet little Rita,

A pimp dressed up in a furcoat on Starsky and Hutch really pissed off animal rights group, PETA,

It’s hard on the viewers when a good-ass tv show, “jumps the shark,”

Because we feel like we’ve been stabbed in the back Miami Vice-style by a drugged out coked out narc!

Oh, fark!

(VERSE 3)

Tv shows like Growing Pains and Family Ties brought out the cute little kid,

Bowl cuts with big innocent eyes behind their bangs they sweetly hid,

Remember viewers this pathetic move signifies that a show is in rapid decline,

Switch the channel or turn the tv off, give these producers a resounding sign!

(CHORUS)

Just like when the tv show, Dexter, killed off sweet little Rita,

A pimp dressed up in a furcoat on Starsky and Hutch really pissed off animal rights group, PETA,

It’s hard on the viewers when a good-ass tv show, “jumps the shark,”

Because we feel like we’ve been stabbed in the back Miami Vice-style by a drugged out coked out narc!

Oh, fark!

(VERSE 4)

Hey, nobody will notice if we replace one blonde for another or bring in some star power,

Goodbye Julie Benz and hello Julia Stiles faithful Dexter fans fervently glower,

Because you have just joined an endless number of tv shows that have “jumped the shark,”

An all time low, a disgraceful pop culture television benchmark!

Oh, fark!

(CHORUS)

Just like when the tv show, Dexter, killed off sweet little Rita,

A pimp dressed up in a furcoat on Starsky and Hutch really pissed off animal rights group, PETA,

It’s hard on the viewers when a good-ass tv show, “jumps the shark,”

Because we feel like we’ve been stabbed in the back Miami Vice-style by a drugged out coked out narc!

Oh, fark!

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SHAMROCK GIRL QUOTES (OUOTE 3)


Quote from superhero, Shamrock Girl of The Adventures of Shamrock Girl series:

“Black, white, brown, red and yellow,
I do this for all of my girls and my fellows,
Give me the power, oh great Blarney Stone, I proudly bellow,
This is Shamrock Girl, it’s time for action now, hello!”

To read the comic book style short story in which this quote came from please click, Shamrock Girl & The Case of the Glory, Glory, Glory Hallelujah Grits!

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OFFICE TERMINOLOGY 101: WHAT DOES IT MEAN IN THE CUBICLE WORLD?


In the Cubicle World, bosses and co-workers often say one thing to you but mean something completely different or they simply do things that you don’t understand. This column will reveal the true meaning behind the spoken words of your cubiclemates and let you know what they are really saying. It will also provide answers to questions on the perplexing things that employees of the Cubicle World do that you don’t understand.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when an employer tells you that you didn’t get the job that you applied for but they will keep your resume on file for one year?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means two things. First, you’ll never hear from the bastards again, so start sending out your resume to other companies asap and second if you call back three days later, your resume WON’T be on file (they lied!) because it was purged right after you received the email that you didn’t get the job that you applied for but they will keep your resume on file for one year.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when you start receiving repeated compliments from your boss on your job performance after the company has been audited?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: Unfortunately, this can mean several things but it generally means that the company can’t afford to give you a monetary raise at this time but they also can’t afford for you to quit either thus the “free compliments” which kills two birds with one stone.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when one of your co-workers doesn’t knock on the door before coming into your office?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means that they are a rude and inconsiderate person who will one day be your boss but not before you have personally spent 500 long hours training them, so try not to get pissed off at them when they barge into your office unannounced because soon they will hold your career in their hands.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when the boss’ secretary promises that she won’t tell on you when she sees you on her lunchbreak coming out of an afternoon matinee when you called in sick that morning?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It all depends on if the boss’ secretary likes or dislikes you.

-If she LIKES you then she’ll keep half her promise, she won’t tell your boss but she will tell her mother, her best friend from college, the mailman, the pizza delivery guy, the plumber and all of your co-workers. But at least you can console yourself with the fact that she didn’t tell the boss and there is a 10% chance that your boss won’t find out your secret.

-If she DISLIKES you then you are screwed because she’s got the power! You are her slave from now on at the office. You’ll have to get used to the fact that you will have to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants with no back talk or complaints. Your office life as you know it is now over unless you decide to fess up to the boss about what you did or find another job at a different company.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when you ask your office manager if you can use the company printer after hours to make copies of your 800 page novel then 12 pages into printing it he asks you how much longer is it going to take?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means that your office manager is a complete idiot with no common sense and the only reason that he got his job is because the owner of the company is his father. It also means that you should have gotten your cheapskate ass up early this morning and went to Kinkos and paid the lousy 15 cents per page fee then you wouldn’t have had to put up with this B.S.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when after 10,000 complaints from the female employees a male employee of a small one bathroom law office maintains that he simply forgot to put the toilet seat down?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means screw you bitches, I didn’t forget to put the toilet seat down at all, in fact I had no intention of putting it down because this is a man’s world and I am a male chauvinist pig hear me roar! The company bathroom is my own personal bathroom and I will do whatever I damn well please, so deal with it! Unfortunately gals, you may have to unless you can think of a way to have his dumb sexist ass fired! Until that glorious day, gals you might want to consider keeping some disposable plastic gloves and disinfectant spray in the bathroom so that you don’t contract any Hepatis C germs from having to put the toilet seat down.

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WHY DOES A HAMBURGER HAVE TO BE SO DAMN VINDICTIVE TO US HUNGRY-ASS HUMANS, DAMMIT!


People, don’t you just hate it when you simply get hungry and decide to fry yourself up a nice hamburger then the hamburger starts to get all vindictive on your ass by popping you with grease? (Otherwise known as their shit!) I mean, what’s up with that? Or should I say, what’s up with that shit? Why does the hamburger have to cop such an attitude? I mean us humans were nice enough to select it’s ass in the supermarket in the first place over the other meats and this is the gratitude that we get! Fuck you hamburger, ungrateful bastards! Why can’t the hamburger see a human’s point of view?

And that human point of view being, “I’m hungry, dammit! And nothing tastes better when you got major hunger pains than a big ol’ juicy hamburger topped with cheese and lots of fixins like lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, etc.” (At this time I would like to send a big ol’ greasy shout out to Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy’s and all of the other burger joints in the world! God bless you and the hamburger! P.S. Fuck you mad cow disease!) I mean, why punish us humans by popping us with your grease, i.e. your hamburger shit? What kind of sense does that make? Can anybody say unsanitary!

After alot of thinking, I really can only think of three reasons why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease when we fry it’s ass up. The first possible reason is that the hamburger is pissed off that they will one day be shit flushed down a toilet and they don’t want to be shit flushed down a toilet so they have to give us humans shit before our bowels turn them into shit. Tit for tat, ya’ know! It’s like the hamburger is saying, “You human bitches ain’t gonna’ take us hamburgers out without a fight! We’re not gonna’ smile and just take this! You smile and say “cheese” motherfuckers because I sure as hell ain’t going to! I don’t want to be shit flushed down a toilet! Do me a favor and leave my ass to get stinky and rotten in the grocery store, loser!”

The second possible reason that I can think of why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease when we fry it’s ass up is that maybe the hamburger came from a female cow and it’s the hamburger’s time of the month. They are menstruating. And people let me tell you, extreme heat and menstruation don’t go together! They ain’t no peanut butter and jelly baby! In fact, they are a lethal combination like Paris Hilton and common sense! So humans, be prepared for a hamburger to light your ass up by popping the hell out of you with it’s grease, i.e. hamburger shit, if you decide to fry it’s ass up while the hamburger is on it’s period! If possible humans, try to select male hamburger meat or female hamburger meat that is in menopause, if you know what’s good for you. By the by, you can usually tell if a hamburger is menstruating by how much blood seeps out of the hamburger when you are frying it’s ass up. If you start to see alot of blood seep out of the hamburger when you are frying it’s ass up, immediately stop and put it’s ass back into a cool ass refrigerator, pronto! And don’t forget to offer it a nice sanitary napkin or a tampon to keep the peace.

Moving on! The third possible reason that I can think of why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease, i.e. hamburger shit, when we fry it’s ass up is that the hamburger is kinky and likes to role play by pretending that they are a naughty nun who is spanking their naughty boy or girl with a ruler. With the hamburger in the role of the naughty nun and the human frying it’s ass up in the role of the naughty boy or girl. In other words, the hamburger loves that dominant, submissive S&M shit! The hamburger is getting off on being in control and causing the human pain. Damn, you have to love a nasty-ass, kinky-ass hamburger! Spank, spank! (Hey humans, you know you love it! Low down and dirty snicker from the hamburger meat of America!)

Well, whatever the hell the reason why the hamburger is being so vindictive to us humans for frying it’s ass up, knock it off and give us a break hamburger! After all, we are only human! We have to eat! And it might as well be your ass! Take that hamburger! Humans of the world have left the building!

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TIPS ON HOW TO TURN YOUR BORING SEX LIFE FIVE ALARM CHILI HOT!


Lately, have you actually yawned or fallen asleep during sex? Is watching paint dry on a wall more exciting than your sex life? Is “foreplay” a foreign word to you?

If you answered, “yes,” to any of the above questions, it’s time to up the five alarm chili factor in your sex life.

“How do I do that?” some of you out there with boring and not so boring sex lives may ask.

Well, I am here to help you with that.

Before we get started, I am going to warn you that from here on in some of the things that I am going to talk about may make you feel a little uncomfortable or make your temperature rise, because let’s face it, folks, we may be living in the year 2010 but when it comes to sex we might as well still be living in the 1800s because there are still so many taboos when it comes to talking about sex especially boring or bad sex out in the open.

But folks, again let’s face it, if a person wants to really and truly improve their sex life they need to hear straight-forward information about sex no matter how uncomfortable it may make them feel.

And folks, I will promise you this. I was brought up to be a lady and I will try to be as lady-like (and not vulgar) as possible on this subject.

So let’s get started!

To add that five alarm chili factor into our sex lives we often forget one of the most important things which is to go back to basics, honey.

Remember when you were a kid what a great imagination you had? You were bold, you were fearless. Well, to get that five alarm chili factor, you have to get that childhood imagination of yours back and channel it into your adult sex life. Literally!

It’s simple, really.

Tip 1: I Want Candy!

Pay a visit to http://oldtimecandy.com/ asap and try some of the following boring sex busters!

Couples, buy a couple of “candy necklaces,” put them on and whenever you feel like it take “love bites” off of each other’s necklaces. Who knows, you may not only get a few hickeys out of it just like from your teenybopper days but it may also be the inspiration that kicks off a passionate night of hot sex.

Couples, try buying some “licorice ropes” and when your lover least expects it, take them off guard by tying them to the bedpost or a chair and slowly and seductively eat off the candy binding. Fun, fun for the binder and bindee!

For an explosive kiss. couples put 2 or 3 “pop rocks” into your mouth and give your lover one hell of a french kiss! Dynomite!

Ladies, try this foreplay teaser. Before sex, open up the package containing the candy dipping stick (it looks like a long piece of chalk) from the “Lik M Aid Fun Dip Pack” then take out the candy dipping stick. Next, proceed to suckle loudly on the tip of the candy dipping stick alternating between moving it in and out of your mouth. This foreplay teaser is point blank a simulated oral sex act that most men are very familiar with and usually enjoy.

Guys, select your favorite “Pixy Stix” flavor and pour it anywhere on your lover’s body and lick it off. Trust me, it will be one of the best meals that you ever had.

Couples, give your lover a hand job by putting on a “Ring Pop” and pretend that you are a king and a queen wearing a diamond, ruby or emerald and take turns suckling on each other’s candy ring. Don’t forget to kiss each others fingertips and caress your lover’s hand too.

Basically couples, use your imagination, experiment and incorporate candy into your sex life.

Tip 2: Turn Bored Games Into Board Games!

Pay a visit to http://www.hasbro.com/ and try this boring sex buster.

Couples, remember the game, “Twister?” It’s motto was, “The game that ties you up in knots! Spin the dial, then move hands or feet from one colored circle to another!” Remember? So why not play? Shake things up by challenging your lover to a friendly game of Twister and hopefully with all of that laughing, tangled limbs, his booty in your face and your breasts in his face will make the game go from friendly to totally erotic.

Tip 3: Play Dress Up, Baby!

Pay a visit to http://www.victoriassecret.com/ or http://www.electriqueboutique.com/ and try the following boring sex busters.

Couples, buy a costume, whether it be a sexy fireman, demure schoolgirl or something as silly as a big bird costume and boldly parade around your bedroom or hotel room for each other while reciting a dirty limerick, doing the moonwalk, or singing loudly off-key. Do whatever you want in that costume. The important thing is to have fun. And remember couples, having fun can lead to having great sex.

Guys, give your lady a wicked fun treat. Buy a sexy nightgown and a garter, put them on and lay down seductively across your bed. Try hard not to laugh hysterically when your lady comes home to find you dressed in women’s lingerie draped across her bed. And guys, if you can’t find a nightgown that fits you, go to your nearest fabric store and buy a couple of yards of lace in the color of your choice and wrap it around your naked body. Guys improvise and use your imagination in the bedroom for your lady’s pleasure!

Gals, if you are on a budget or strapped for cash, look no further than your own closet to turn your man on. Gals, go to your closet and put on as many layers of clothing as you can then dare your man to take off all of your clothes in a certain time frame such as 2 minutes. If he completes the challenge in the time allotted then reward him with the sexual favor of his choice.

I said it before and I will say it again for the last time, couples, use your imagination, experiment and incorporate playing dress up into your sex life and turn your boring sex life five alarm chili hot!

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