WHY DOES A HAMBURGER HAVE TO BE SO DAMN VINDICTIVE TO US HUNGRY-ASS HUMANS, DAMMIT!


People, don’t you just hate it when you simply get hungry and decide to fry yourself up a nice hamburger then the hamburger starts to get all vindictive on your ass by popping you with grease? (Otherwise known as their shit!) I mean, what’s up with that? Or should I say, what’s up with that shit? Why does the hamburger have to cop such an attitude? I mean us humans were nice enough to select it’s ass in the supermarket in the first place over the other meats and this is the gratitude that we get! Fuck you hamburger, ungrateful bastards! Why can’t the hamburger see a human’s point of view?

And that human point of view being, “I’m hungry, dammit! And nothing tastes better when you got major hunger pains than a big ol’ juicy hamburger topped with cheese and lots of fixins like lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, etc.” (At this time I would like to send a big ol’ greasy shout out to Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy’s and all of the other burger joints in the world! God bless you and the hamburger! P.S. Fuck you mad cow disease!) I mean, why punish us humans by popping us with your grease, i.e. your hamburger shit? What kind of sense does that make? Can anybody say unsanitary!

After alot of thinking, I really can only think of three reasons why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease when we fry it’s ass up. The first possible reason is that the hamburger is pissed off that they will one day be shit flushed down a toilet and they don’t want to be shit flushed down a toilet so they have to give us humans shit before our bowels turn them into shit. Tit for tat, ya’ know! It’s like the hamburger is saying, “You human bitches ain’t gonna’ take us hamburgers out without a fight! We’re not gonna’ smile and just take this! You smile and say “cheese” motherfuckers because I sure as hell ain’t going to! I don’t want to be shit flushed down a toilet! Do me a favor and leave my ass to get stinky and rotten in the grocery store, loser!”

The second possible reason that I can think of why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease when we fry it’s ass up is that maybe the hamburger came from a female cow and it’s the hamburger’s time of the month. They are menstruating. And people let me tell you, extreme heat and menstruation don’t go together! They ain’t no peanut butter and jelly baby! In fact, they are a lethal combination like Paris Hilton and common sense! So humans, be prepared for a hamburger to light your ass up by popping the hell out of you with it’s grease, i.e. hamburger shit, if you decide to fry it’s ass up while the hamburger is on it’s period! If possible humans, try to select male hamburger meat or female hamburger meat that is in menopause, if you know what’s good for you. By the by, you can usually tell if a hamburger is menstruating by how much blood seeps out of the hamburger when you are frying it’s ass up. If you start to see alot of blood seep out of the hamburger when you are frying it’s ass up, immediately stop and put it’s ass back into a cool ass refrigerator, pronto! And don’t forget to offer it a nice sanitary napkin or a tampon to keep the peace.

Moving on! The third possible reason that I can think of why a hamburger would be so vindictive by popping us humans with it’s grease, i.e. hamburger shit, when we fry it’s ass up is that the hamburger is kinky and likes to role play by pretending that they are a naughty nun who is spanking their naughty boy or girl with a ruler. With the hamburger in the role of the naughty nun and the human frying it’s ass up in the role of the naughty boy or girl. In other words, the hamburger loves that dominant, submissive S&M shit! The hamburger is getting off on being in control and causing the human pain. Damn, you have to love a nasty-ass, kinky-ass hamburger! Spank, spank! (Hey humans, you know you love it! Low down and dirty snicker from the hamburger meat of America!)

Well, whatever the hell the reason why the hamburger is being so vindictive to us humans for frying it’s ass up, knock it off and give us a break hamburger! After all, we are only human! We have to eat! And it might as well be your ass! Take that hamburger! Humans of the world have left the building!

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