Archive for October, 2011

RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: (INSERT YOUR SNICKER HERE!) JOHN MCCAIN RECEIVES ENDORSEMENT FROM HEIDI MONTAG!


Here is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 presidential election back in April 2008. Take a minute to flashback then enjoy!

Screw you Barbie Bush!
Screw you Ann Coulter!

There’s a new Republican sister on the block and it ain’t Jennifer Lopez.

Instead of having a big ass, this chick has the biggest jackass of a boyfriend on the planet!

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to Spencer Pratt!

Without further ado, I would like to introduce all of you to Heidi Montag a.k.a. the backstabbing, no talent blonde bombshell on MTV’s hit twenty-something reality tv show, The Hills.

Extra! Extra! Stop the presses!

According to her current up-in-the-air jackass boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, Heidi is set to take the music industry by storm!

(Insert Your Snicker Here!)

He also says that Madonna and Britney Spears better watch out cause’ there’s a new diva about ready to upstage them. (The “diva” that he is referring to is Heidi Montag.)

(Insert Your Snicker Here!)

And making the extremely difficult decision of having to take time out of her busy hair dying/club hopping schedule, Heidi has decided to put her 15 minutes of fame to good use while it lasts by giving a jacked-up endorsement to Republican, John McCain for President.

(Insert Your Snicker Here!)

Omigod!!!!!!!!!!!

The question is will John McCain be stupid enough to acknowledge it.

Let’s pray to god folks, that he isn’t!

A political endorsement from Heidi Montag!

Omigod!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(And of course, one last loud-ass snicker!)

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THE TOP SIX EXCUSES WOMEN USE TO AVOID HAVING SEX WITH THEIR MEN!


Here are some excuses women will use to get out of having sex.

Excuse Number 1: “The I Need To Lose 10 Pounds Syndrome!”

Unfortunately so many women around the world suffer from this syndrome. When a woman has this syndrome she will basically psych herself out of having sex with her man because she feels that her body isn’t in the best of shape and her man may not find her physically appealing. Women who suffer from this syndrome often tell themselves that they will start having sex again when they lose such and such amount of weight.

Solution/Cure: Ladies, tell yourselves every day that you are beautiful and sexy no matter what your weight is. Don’t deprive yourself of this pleasure for one minute! Girls, let’s face it, we all can’t look like Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie. We have to be happy with who we are and if we don’t like it, we can try to change the things that we can change and accept the things that we can’t. Ladies, when you are having sex forget about the stretch marks or rolls of fat around your belly and just enjoy yourself! Let yourself go and have fun with your man! And guys, don’t forget to do your part by constantly supporting and reassuring your woman of how beautiful and desirable she is.

Excuse Number 2: Stressed To The Max!

Another excuse a lot of women will use to avoid having sex with their men is to tell them that they are too “stressed” to have sex due to job pressures, kids, money, etc. These women will see having sex as a bad thing when in actuality it may be just the thing they need to get rid of the stress that they are currently suffering from.

Solution/Cure: So ladies, when you are “stressed to the max” try having lots of sex to get away from your problems at least for a little while. Good sex can be an excellent temporary distraction which is definitely mentally good for you. Sex can also have a calming effect on your spirit and give your body that much needed release which can free you from the stress. Sexual activity can also reinvigorate your mind, body and soul to the point of helping you think of solutions to the problems that are stressing you. Plus, it just feels good and we all love to feel good. So ladies when your stressed, have sex, have sex, have sex!

Excuse Number 3: The “First-Time” Virgin Thing!

Some women who have never had sex may use the excuse that since it is my first time it will be painful and bloody which can definitely make a woman want to avoid having sex with her man. But ladies I want you to remember that it may not be as graphic as you think. There are a lot of woman who have no pain to mild pain the first time that they have sex and barely bleed at all. Ladies, a lot of the time when you are in the throws of passion you completely forget everything including pain and blood. The pleasure greatly outweighs everything else.

Solution/Cure: If you are a woman truly worried about pain and blood to point that you feel the need to avoid completely having sex with your man, you may want to try either one of these suggestions. For one thing, you might want to try being upfront and honest about your concerns with your partner. Most men are gentlemen when it comes to a woman’s first time and will try to make it as pleasant and painless as possible.

Ladies, a more dramatic solution may be to buy yourselves a vibrator of your choice and technically lose your virginity to it first and get all of the pain and blood out of the way (if there is any) before your first actual sexual experience with a man. This way you can have true peace of mind and relax.

Excuse Number 4: The Smell Factor!

I hate to get graphic ladies, but I have to be honest. The reason why a lot of women will avoid having sex with their men is because their vaginal regions may not smell the best or carry an odor that a woman finds displeasing. I mean despite all of the soap and water, douching and feminine deodorant sprays, a woman may still smell a little funky down there.

Solution/Cure: Ladies, do everything that you can to keep that area clean then say the hell with it and forget about it. Some things are just out of your control. Sometimes we have to face the fact that there is nothing we can do. We just have to accept what is.

But ladies, if you are really concerned about the smell, try consulting a physician. He or she may have some tips on how you can improve the smell of your vaginal area. And ladies, a lot of men simply don’t care or aren’t as concerned about the smell of your vagina like you are. Most men are in it for the pleasure and couldn’t give a rat’s behind about the smell of your vajayjay. And don’t forget ladies, what may smell stinky to you may smell heavenly to your man.

Excuse Number 5: Little Experience!

Ladies remember, you don’t have to be Jenna Jameson or Madonna in the bedroom. In fact, a lot of guys love a woman who doesn’t have a lot of experience in the bedroom. It can be a major turn-on to them. Some guys will feel extra manly and love being in the instructor position. Ladies, there are actually some guys in this world who are turned off by a woman who has had more experience than him in the bedroom or may have had a lot of sexual partners. It may make them feel insecure and less of a man.

Solution/Cure: I said it before and I’ll say it again, forget about it! Don’t let it upset you that you don’t have a lot of experience sexually. Tell yourself that you are great in bed and that you and your partner are going to have a good time! These are the only things that truly matter ladies.

Excuse Number 6: I’m Not Worthy!

Ladies have you ever thought, “I can’t believe a guy like this is interested in someone like me!”

A woman may think a thought like this because the man who wants to have sex with her may be extremely handsome, wealthy or super talented. These things can make a woman feel insecure like she isn’t good enough (especially if she doesn’t feel like she’s on his level) or make her feel like she is dating out of her league. This is another major reason why a woman may avoid having sex with her man.

Solution/Cure: Ladies, you must tell yourself that you are good enough for any man. He is lucky to have you in his life. You are not only worthy of this man but he is worthy of you too.

Ladies when we give ourselves constant positive reinforcement it makes us feel good. So ladies, spread the joy by having sex with your man! It will make him feel good. After all, you don’t have any excuse not to anymore. Those days are gone!

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ADMISSION REQUIREMENTS FOR WOMEN SEEKING ENTRANCE INTO THE PRESTIGIOUS “SPIT SISTER’S” CLUB!


1. In your childhood, your Mother must have wiped some dirt off of your face with her handkerchief and a glob of her nasty spit in FULL VIEW OF THE PUBLIC. (Especially in front of a cute guy that you have been totally crushin’ on.)

2. Daughter must have been very embarrassed and grossed out by this.

3. Daughter must have questioned her Mother’s sanity for using her spit as a facial cleaser.

If you meet all of the above requirements, CONGRATULATIONS and my condolences!

You are now a member of the prestigious “Spit Sister’s” Club!

Ain’t childhood and mothers grand?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

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HUMOROUS HAIKUS!


Haiku 1: Birthday

Happy Birthday is
Half-eaten cake from your kids
World’s best weight watchers

Haiku 2: Friendship

A true friend tells you
Your breath stinks and cheers you on
All in one day’s time

Haiku 3: Birthday

Birthday’s are for Those
Who want to celebrate Life
Crow’s Feet and Hair Loss

Haiku 4: Friendship

Friends will fight sometimes
Make up all the time because
Menstrual Cycles end

Haiku 5: Thank You

Thank God for High Tea
Low-Heeled Sling Back Jimmy Choos
Husbands with Visa

Haiku 6: Birthday

Birthday Wishes come
in Small, Medium, and Large
Boxes for your Bills

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IMPERFECT, A SONG WRITTEN BY TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN


Verse 1:
-Sometimes hate to turn on the tv
-Open a magazine
-Because all I mostly see
-Are images of beautiful people
-That I know i’ll never be
-And what truly amazes me
-That deep down it don’t bother me cause……

Chorus:
-I’m so glad to be imperfect
-Ain’t no flies on me
-I don’t have the perfect body
-Ya’ know the ones you see on tv
-But at least I don’t have their worries
-That’s why it don’t really bother me
-Because i’m glad to be imperfect
-I’m happy to be just me

Verse 2:
-I ain’t going to lie
-So many times i’ve wanted the perfect body
-Have my pics in all the magazines
-Be put on a pedestal for all the world to see
-But I began to wonder if that would really make me happy
-Cause’ with perfection comes a different set of problems
-Ones I damn well don’t want or need
-That’s when I learned to accept my imperfections fully
-And found out it’s not so bad to be imperfect
-It’s okay to be plain ole’ fabulous me
-That’s why……

Chorus:
-I’m so glad to be imperfect
-Ain’t no flies on me
-I don’t have the perfect body
-Ya’ know the ones you see on tv
-But at least I don’t have their worries
-That’s why it don’t really bother me
-Because i’m glad to be imperfect
-I’m happy to be just me

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HORROR MOVIE HO (A SONG WRITTEN BY TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN)


Verse 1:
-Spectacular in the sheets
-Likes sex, is always in heat
-Big-breasted with fake spray tan
-No conscience, will steal your man
-Tramp stamp across her lower back
-Ha! Ha! She’s the first one to get whacked

Chorus:
-So all hail the horror movie ho
-Gloria Steinem, the feminist foe
-Without her, where’s a psycho killer to go
-Beyond stupid, magic 8 ball says it is decidedly so
-So all hail the horror movie ho
-We salute ya, you dumb little bimbo

Verse 2:
-When chased, she always falls down
-Stalked by a slow-walking clown
-She’s part of the coolest clique
-Killed early in the movie by a big-ass ice pick
-Constantly makes fun of an innocent virgin
-Ha! Ha! That’s her upper body stuffed in a trash bin

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
-She’s needed to provide some jiggle
-Her antics provide plenty of giggles
-How can anyone be so dumb
-Don’t just stand there run, lose the bubble gum
-We will always love her cause’ she’s so dense
-So long honey, we only wish you had a little common sense

(Chorus)

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SHAMROCK GIRL QUOTES (QUOTE 7)


Quote from superhero, Truthy of the Adventures of Shamrock Girl series, “That is a wonderful idea, Dapper. IF THE TRUTH BE TOLD, Shamrock Girl and Emeralda are the best dancers on Jytrimillya next to you of course!”

To read the comic book style short story in which this quote came from please click, Shamrock Girl & The Bomb Pop Popsicle Injury!

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