TKP’S “BIGGER THAN JFK” CONSPIRACY THEORIES! (CONSPIRACY 1: THE SPANISH CHANNEL)


Am I the only person who has noticed that no matter whether you have a kick-ass cable provider or have the most expensive antenna that money can buy or have only a crappy-ass pair of rabbit ears wrapped up with a shitload of aluminum foil that The Spanish Channel is the only television channel that always seems to come in crystal clear?

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

I mean people, let’s look at the facts.

Even back in the day when television was broadcast in an analog format on big-ass boxy television sets The Spanish Channel always came in crystal clear then, too!

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

And it doesn’t matter where a person lives either. Hell, a person could be living in a small-ass state like Iowa or in a big-ass snowy tundra like the North Pole and still get a picture perfect signal to The Spanish Channel. (Sorry Santa, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle or whatever the hell your name is, that’s just how it is! Ho! Ho! Ho!)

And speaking of “ho’s”, The Spanish Channel is one nasty bitch that you can’t get rid of!

I mean a place could be hit by a hurricane, tornado or noreaster and the power be knocked out for days but you better believe that as soon as the power has been restored the first channel that will appear on your television screen is The Spanish Channel.

And if that doesn’t smell of a conspiracy nothing else does!

And why is it that when you don’t speak a lick of Spanish that you always seem to get multiple Spanish Channels on your television set?

WTF?!

I mean what is this grade school? Are we the naughty-little students and The Spanish Channel is the mean-ass ruler-wielding teacher trying to punish us for not learning the Spanish language?

I mean what the fuck is going on?

Conspiracy, baby, conspiracy! It can only be a conspiracy!

Hey, don’t get me wrong, Spanish is a beautiful language and all but shouldn’t a person be allowed to learn their A-B-C’s in whatever language that they want?

Hey, don’t we have rights, Spanish Channel?!

Like the underappreciated, okay-looking but extremely annoying middle child, Jan Brady once said in a corny-ass episode of The Brady Bunch with much frustration, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

But on this day, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, much appreciated, cute-ass middle-aged black female with an absolutely brilliant temperment am now saying to people all over the world in this blog post with as much frustration as Jan Brady had, “The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel!”

Hey, whoever the hell is behind this conspiracy, please do me a favor and stop!

I can’t take it anymore!

I’m losing my mind! (Which is exactly what you bastard’s want! You want personally for Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden to lose her mind because she’s so cute-ass and brilliant unlike that okay-looking-ass loser, Jan Brady! It’s obvious, baby!)

Spanish Channel, get a damn life and knock it off!

Please!

By the by Spanish Channel, adios, amigos!

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