IT’S NEW YEAR’S HUMOR TIME: SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!


(After thirteen tries, an extremely pissed off Mrs. Claus finally manages to opens up her laptop. She will record the following message using her webcam. The message will go up immediately on her YouTube page when she is finished. Mrs. Claus has decided to record the message in her home office. Appearancewise, Mrs. Claus looks like stir fried shit and her breath is also jacked-up as well and also smells like stir fried shit too. On top of Mrs. Claus’ ugly-ass rolltop desk are many empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a half full bottle of Jim Beam. Mrs. Claus picks up the half full bottle of Jim Beam and takes a hearty swig then returns it with a loud plunk to her ugly-ass rolltop desk. Mrs. Claus then looks directly into the webcam then burps loudly. The bitch is totally fucked up! Mrs. Claus then begins to record her message in an extremely irritating high pitched slurred-ass voice.)

“Happy New Year, Children!”

“This is Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus’ soon to be ex-wife.”

“I know that you usually hear a special New Year’s message from Santa but unfortunately Santa Claus is currently unavailable because he got arrested for having phone sex with some whore named Molly last night.”

“So, he very well couldn’t send his special New Year’s message to you from the slammer now could he?”

“Hey Santa, I’m gonna’ take you to the cleaners, you fat bastard! Nobody humiliates me like this without paying a steep price, asshole!”

“Movin’ on!”

“So I, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Claus graciously told Santa that I would deliver a special New Year’s message for him this year.”

“Children, my New Year’s message for you this year is short and simple, “DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH!”

“To demonstrate my meaning, i’m going to read you an article that appeared in today’s paper that your parents probably hid from you.”

January 1, 2013

SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Usually for jolly ol’ Saint Nick, New Year’s Day is one of his favorite days off of work. It is a day where he can rest and relax after a hectic Christmas season. But not this year!

At a press conference this morning, police confirmed that Santa Claus a.k.a. Kris Kringle was arrested at 2:03 a.m. on New Years Day at Chez Skank Restaurant. He was formally charged with two crimes. Santa was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct and simulating a lewd act in a public place.

“Apparently after eating 81 hot cross buns and downing 94 hot buttered rum shots, Santa was feeling a little “hot” himself and wanted to get his “buns buttered”, if ya’ know what I mean!” Officer Ted Butts said in a low-down dirty voice while winking at the snickering reporters who knew exactly what the flatfoot meant.

Officer Butts said that since Santa was in a festive mood he decided to take advantage of one of the kick-backs that he received from Chez Skank. In return for Santa coming to the upscale restaurant a couple of times a year, he was given free meals, drinks and phone sex. Santa decided on the latter since his big-ass was already full from the 81 hot cross buns he wolfed down and he was so damn tired of pissing up a storm from the 94 hot buttered rum shots that he had guzzled down earlier that engaging in phone sex seemed like the next logical step. So phone sex it was!

At a little after 1:00 a.m. on New Years Day, Santa whipped out his big pink phallus-shaped cellphone from his pants and let his fingers do the walking. A few seconds later, Santa was connected to Molly, a phone sex operator for the Politically Correct Happy Holidays Adult Hotline. Patrons and staff of the upscale restaurant were both shocked and amused when they heard Santa moaning loudly and uttering the following:

“Do you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me how bad you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me all of your dirty little thoughts!”
“Are you a bad girl, Molly?”
“Do you want Santa to be naughty or nice?”
“Oh yes, do you know how much you are turning me on baby?”
“Tis’ the season to be spanked by Molly. Fa, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La!”
“Mmmm baby, you know what I was thinking about doing to you?”

Various witnesses reported that Santa then put his big-ass dick-shaped cellphone down on the table and switched on the speaker phone. Next, Santa picked up a long thin breadstick from the bread basket that was sitting on the table then put three pats of butter on it and then started to rub it sensually up and down.

“Molly baby, I want to rub your body from head to toe with some hot butter. Would you like that baby?” Santa cooed.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!” Molly screamed. “Tell me more! Tell me more, big daddy!”

Santa chucked. And it wasn’t one of those “jolly” chuckles either. It was a low-down nasty dirty chuckle.

Next, Santa started to lick the breadstick all over.

“Molly, I want to slowly lick some hot butter off of your body. Can I do that baby?” Santa asked.

“Yes, yes, do it! Do it, big daddy and don’t you ever stop licking hot butter off of my body ever! You’re the king! You are the king! Do it, I want more! Oh yes, I want more! Oh yes!”

“Sarah Petersen, Chez Skank’s maitre d’ had finally had enough.” Officer Butts said. “But let me clarify. Sarah hadn’t had enough of hearing Santa have phone sex.” According to Sarah, “she could have listened to that shit all night!” “What Sarah had had enough of was all the patrons demanding to be seated next to Santa the next time he came into Chez Skank. When she had to turn down a few of the patrons because all of the seats next to Santa were taken, Sarah was threatened with guns and knives if she didn’t make seating available. That was when Miss Petersen called the police.” Officer Butts said.

Santa is currently being held at Fruitcake Hall, a luxury prison in Beverly Hills, until his arraignment on January 4th.

Chez Skank, which is an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills world-famous for it’s murals on the walls of the top skanks in Hollywood, plans to commemorate Santa’s bust by putting a mural of him up on the wall in February 2013. Current mural honorees are Paris & Nicky Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Tara Reid, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna and any other chick or metrosexual in Hollywood who claims that they didn’t know that you could see their breasts, vajayjays, or cocks through the sheer gowns or pants that they were wearing to the Oscars, Grammys, MTV Music Awards or Razzies.

“So, children to recap, my New Year’s message to you for the year 2013 is ‘DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH’!”

“Goodbye children, have a happy and safe new year and don’t ‘f’ it up like jolly ol’ St. Nick!”

“By the by you lying cheating bastard, i’m gonna’ take your fat-ass to the cleaners!”

Humorous Christmas Gifts at: http://www.cafepress.com

BY THE BY, MY NAME IS TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYED THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE NEW YEAR! REMEMBER IF YOU GET FUCKED UP OR PISSY DRUNK LIKE MRS. CLAUS’ DUMB-ASS DURING THE HOLIDAYS, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE WEBCAM AND ALSO DO THE RIGHT THING AND DON’T DRIVE DRUNK! EITHER DESIGNATE A SAFE SOBER DRIVER, CALL A CAB OR WALK! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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