THE RETRO LAUGH LOUNGE PRESENTS: REALITY TV COOKING SHOW CONTESTANT DISQUALIFIED IN JHERI CURL ACTIVATOR PLOT!


This fictional blog post happily takes you back to the 1980’s where the Jheri Curl reigned supreme in the Black Community. So, enter the Retro Laugh Time Machine and let me take you back to the wacky 1980’s!

Chicago, IL — In a bizarre twist of events, 29 year old Juice Newton was disqualified from the hit reality tv show, Top Fast Food Chef for adding a forbidden special ingredient to all of the fast food dishes that he prepared. “In direct violation of The Fast Food Code of Ethics, Newton added heaping teaspoons of Jheri Curl Activator to all of his recipes which gave him an unfair advantage over the other contestants.” said Chef Leopold Screwy, owner of Screwy’s Chewy Burgers and Spuds. The restaurant where the competition is being held. Screwy is also one of the judges of the hit reality tv show competition.

For those of you out there who are unfamiliar with the the Jheri Curl, it was a popular hairstyle among Blacks in the 1980’s. Jheri Curl Activator, Moisturizer and a Plastic Cap were required to keep this hairstyle shiny and curly. The Jheri Curl’s rapid decline in popularity was due to the fact that the products to maintain the hairstyle were expensive not to mention extremely greasy. (As a teenage black girl in the 1980’s, I must have ruined about 120 pillowcases because of this hairstyle.)

“What Juice Newton did was horrible, disgusting and unforgivable. I mean, it’s right up there with Barry Bonds taking steroids! By putting Jheri Curl Activator in the fast food that he prepared virtually guaranteed that he’d be the winner of the Top Fast Food Chef competition because it made the food glide smoothly down the throat at record speed so that the judges didn’t get a chance to actually taste the food.” Screwy said angrily while he stirred his world famous corn dog batter.

“The judges couldn’t make any kind of decision on Newton’s food so in accordance with The Fast Food Code of Ethics the judges had to give Newton the benefit of the doubt that his food was excellent which allowed him to win every challenge.” Screwy said while adding corn syrup to his world famous corn dog batter. “And the sad thing is that he would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for the accident.” said Screwy while dipping his finger into his world famous corn dog batter.

Chef Screwy is referring to the accident that happened this past weekend. During the last challenge, Juice Newton was sneaking a teaspoon of Jheri Curl Activator into the Chili that he had made which was later to be poured over some hotdogs when Newton accidentally spilled three drops of the Jheri Curl Activator on the floor. Unaware of this, Newton slipped on it and skidded about eight feet across the floor before landing head first into another contestant’s barbeque grill where she was barbequeing some hot wings.

Normally Newton would have sustained minor injuries but unfortunately Newton chose to wear the Jheri Curl Activator in his hair which is a rare thing for a White man to do so Newton suffered third degree burns to his head and face. He is reportedly resting comfortably at St. IDon’tBelieveThisB.S. Hospital.

“Everyone involved in the competition is glad that Newton will recover from all of the injuries he sustained in the accident in a few years. Our hearts and prayers go out to Newton and his family. We wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone but if Newton had played by the rules none of this would have happened. It just goes to show you that cheaters never win!” said Chef Screwy while pouring a large heaping teaspoon of Jheri Curl Activator into his world famous corn dog batter.

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