TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GUIDE TO DONATING CANNED FOOD GOODS DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON OR ANY OTHER DAMN TIME OF THE YEAR!


It’s a well known fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the biggest times of the year for canned food donation and as a former domestic violence victim and homeless person myself, I feel that it is my duty and responsibility to share some of my extensive knowledge by giving anyone who reads this article valuable tips on donating canned food goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters during the holiday season or any other time of the damn year that are generally not listed in the average article. So let’s begin baby!

Tip Number 1:

When donating canned goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters ALWAYS try to give them DIRECTLY to the patrons themselves!

The reason why I personally recommend this method is that the staff members of the domestic violence or homeless shelter won’t have the opportunity to steal or take out the best canned goods and keep them for themselves or their families and give or leave the shitty canned goods for the patrons of the shelter.

As a former patron myself of many domestic violence and homeless shelters I have seen many bad things and this one is at the top of my list. I have seen many a staff member steal the patrons fucking blind so donators, watch out for these corrupt-ass cocksuckers!

Also, if you can, try bringing the canned goods at meal times, i.e. breakfast, lunch or dinner, when alot of the patrons will be around. And always ask if you can stay and watch the canned goods being given out with your own two eyes. And if you are a regular donator, always bring the canned goods on different days and times so that all of the patrons have an ample opportunity to get some of the canned goods that you bring and not the same people every time. Remember, the patrons of these shelters have regular work and school schedules and many other appointments and if you always bring the canned goods on the same day and at the same time alot of the other patrons will miss out and that’s not fair. So donators remember to mix it up baby!

Tip Number 2:

If you are a donator with a major “i’m better than you” attitude, big ol’ bug up their butt or are only donating the canned goods to a shelter so that it will look good on your tax form or you will look like a martyr to your family, friends, co-workers or fellow country club members, do the patrons of these domestic violence and homeless shelters a huge favor by keeping your stupid-ass at home and shoving the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

As a former domestic violence victim and homeless person, I can’t speak for everybody but I sure as hell can speak for myself and tell you that when I was in these shelters I would have rather starved myself fucking blind (and I often did) than take help from a stupid-ass idiotic motherfucker like the above mentioned people! But that’s just me personally.

This may not be a familiar fact with the general public so let me school some of you brothers and sisters out there by telling you that some domestic violence and homeless shelters are staffed with employees that are so cold-hearted, mean and so unhappy with their personal lives that their sole purpose for taking and remaining in their jobs at the domestic violence or homeless shelter is to solely bully, harrass and treat the patrons of these shelters like total fucking shit to even the score. So alot of patrons at domestic violence and homeless shelters have enough shit in their lives that they have to put up with without having to put up with the shit of a stupid-ass sorry-ass donator like the ones that I have mentioned above, so do them a favor and stay the fuck home and shove the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

I mean don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be a total fucking saint to donate canned goods to a domestic violence or homeless shelter but it also helps if you’re not a total fucking asshole either. But if you are a total fucking asshole who still wants to help a domestic violence or homeless shelter purely for your own selfish stupid-ass reasons do the right thing and go out and buy some gift cards to Walmart or other grocery stores and drop them into the mail this way the patrons won’t have to put up with your bullshit and they can buy whatever canned food goods that they want without your stupid ass around. Easy breezy! But be sure stupid-ass sorry-ass donators to ask the staff members of the shelter to mail or fax you some kind of proof like photos or signed agreements from the patrons that can be verified that the gift cards were actually GIVEN to the patrons and not pocketed by corrupt-ass immoral-ass staff members of the shelter.

Tip Number 3:

Don’t just donate canned goods from your home that you don’t like or have too much of and think automatically that the patrons of the shelters that you give them to will automatically eat them or be grateful for them.

Hey donator, just as you may not like the canned beets or succotash that has been sitting on your kitchen shelf for twelve years, the patrons also may not like that shit either. Catch my drift, moron?

Donators, always remember two things. One, that you ain’t god baby! We already have a god and a damn good one at that so why would we need a sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker like you? Two, that you are not the only one with discriminating tastes when it comes to food. Let me send you back to school donator baby, domestic violence victims and homeless people have discriminating tastes too and ain’t just going to eat anything just like you! Remember, domestic violence victims and homeless people may be temporarily down on their luck donator baby but they have their pride too and don’t you forget it! The reason why I mention this is because it’s possible that one day donators you could find yourselves unfortunately in their position. There is a popular saying that we’re all just a couple of paychecks away from being homeless. And ask yourselves if you were homeless do you want some sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker thinking that you should be kissing their ass for bringing you a couple of usually fucked up jacked up canned goods and treating your ass like you will eat anything and have to be grateful for the shit just because you are homeless. (Oh no, baby! Oh no!)

If you can donators, try to visit the shelter of your choice beforehand and ask if you can leave a flyer that can be hung up and ask the patrons to write down their favorite canned food goods. Give the patrons a few days to write down their choices then return to the shelter, pick up the flyer then either go out and buy the items or look around your kitchen or pantry then deliver them to the shelter. But ALWAYS make sure that the canned goods are given to the patrons ONLY not the staff.

Also donators, give some of your BEST canned goods to the shelter of your choice and also try to be ORIGINAL. For instance during the holiday season, there are only so many cans of turkey gravy and cranberry sauce that a patron can take. If you can, try to give something unique or in hot demand like a can of coffee or a can of smoked salmon. I know that those items may sound a bit extravagant but tis the season baby! Tis the season!

And donators try not to be total fucking cheapskates either! Remember, there is life and food outside of your goddamn kitchen! Go out and BUY some canned goods too. I mean you don’t have to be a billionaire like Bill Gates to buy a can of Dole Pineapple Slices or a can of Hormel Beef Chili. Remember donators to once again, mix it up and cough it up! Take some of those hard earned dead presidents out of your wallet and go out and buy some good shit for the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters! Remember to treat people as you yourself want to be treated! Amen, baby! Amen!

Tip Number 4:

If you are a donator who thinks that domestic violence victims are pathetic, weak-ass victims who should have never let a person knock them upside the head or you are a donator who thinks that homeless people are lazy-ass people who don’t want to work, then do the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters a big favor and go fuck yourself then educate yourself before you drop off one single can good to a domestic violence or homeless shelter!

One of the biggest stereotypes that domestic violence victims have to fight everyday literally is that they are pathetic and weak-ass because they “let” a person hit them and one of the biggest stereotypes that the homeless have to fight is that they are lazy-ass people that don’t want to work which in so many cases is totally untrue. Alot of these individuals at these shelters are the strongest, bravest and hardest working people to walk the earth! There are a myriad of reasons why a person can become homeless or a domestic violence victim. Some of them we may be familiar with and some of them we would never think of. Whatever the reason, don’t judge until you know the whole damn story!

So donators if you are a narrow-minded asshole who thinks in stereotypical terms when it comes to domestic violence victims and the homeless you might want to seriously consider educating yourself and get your shit together before donating a single canned good to a shelter because you just might come upon a very perceptive patron stressed to the damn max and with zero tolerance who may just end up kicking your ass for your stupidity. And it would be your own damn fault if they did! So donators, avoid this bullshit and educate yourself about domestic violence victims and the homeless before you donate!

My name is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden and to all of you who have read this article, I really hope that these tips will help you out in your future canned food donations.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful thanksgiving, merry christmas and have a kick-ass new year!

Thank you!

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