Archive for December, 2011

HEY BABY: MEDICAL MARIJUANA IS OUT AND MEDICAL ALCOHOL IS IN!


Before you break out the triple decker fudge pot brownies and pop in the movie, Dazed and Confused (P.S. Ben Affleck, you were such an asshole in that movie! By the by, keep up the good work! And don’t forget, air raid bitches!) take a minute to remember the old childhood rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a screaming baby in a stinky-ass poopy diaper in a baby carriage. Or a pram as they say in jolly old England. (At this time I would like to send a shout out to Victoria “Posh” Beckham of the now defunct girl’s bubble gum pop group, The Spice Girls and her good-looking lying cheating soccer playing husband, David Beckham who was brought over here to put soccer on the map in the United States but failed miserably except with mothers who drive station wagons and metrosexuals. Howdy! And David, The L.A. Galaxy? Loud-ass snicker! I never even knew that the U.S. had a major league soccer team! Another Loud-ass snicker!)

But getting back to reality which is something that you might want to do David Beckham, anyhoo, in this post’s case, first comes marijuana, then comes long island iced teas then comes fudge-a-mania in a hot bed issue baby carriage. (At this time, I would like to send out another big shout out to uber writer, Judy Blume who was one of the first author’s to school me on sex, zits, menstruation or menstrooation, the handicapable, jewish people and middle class white people who nickname their kids, fudge and tootsie. Thanks alot Judy!)

Anyhoo, getting back to the subject of this post once again, people consider this hypothetical situation.

There is a guy named John who receives SSDI benefits because he has been diagnosed with PTSD which stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is a type of anxiety/mental disorder. It can occur after a person has seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death, etc. For his PTSD John has been prescribed the prescription drug, Lexapro to help him with his condition but makes the decision not to take the medication that the doctor has prescribed for him because it makes him too lethargic. After a short time he finds an alternate solution to his dilemma. Instead of taking a 10 mg Lexapro tablet daily, he downs two six packs of Bud Light beer daily. Some of you out there may say, ” to each his own” but here’s where the trouble begins. Once John has made his new found revelation, he still continues to drive his vehicle but under the influence of two six packs of Bud Light claiming that he used to drive the same vehicle under the influence of a 10 mg Lexapro tablet now he’s simply driving under the influence of two six packs of Bud Light beer, what’s the difference? He further goes on to say that when he is behind the wheel he is not breaking the law by drunk driving because he is medical alcohol driving.

What do you think?

(POLL QUESTION FOR THIS POST–LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!)

In terms of medical alcohol……….

A. If people can smoke marijuana to alleviate their medical problems then why can’t people drink alcohol to alleviate their medical problems too! Let them drive and shutup!

B. I think it is a bunch of bullshit! There is no such thing as medical alcohol it is only an excuse for a loser to drink. Hey losers, hit the bottle! And i’m not talking about the Jack Daniel’s bottle i’m talking about the prescription bottle! Stay off the damn streets if your intoxicated, losers!

C. If these people get caught driving under the influence of alcohol whether they have PTSD or whatever medical condition, they should be punished like everybody else! No exceptions! Drunk driving is drunk driving! I don’t want these people driving on the same streets as I do, it’s dangerous enough for a fully sober person out there let alone an intoxicated person! Stay off the streets or take a cab if you are going to drink!

D. I think there really are people who do some things better like driving when they are under the influence of alcohol. I know that it is not politically correct to say this but that’s just how it is. So deal with it! However, I don’t think they should be driving. Stay home and keep yourself and other people safe if you have consumed alcohol.

E. I think the Social Security Administration should allocate disability benefits to people who qualify to use medical alcohol right away!

F. A special section in grocery stores should be set up for medical alcohol.

G. Doctor’s should give out prescriptions to patients who need medical alcohol and they should get a 50% discount on the alcohol purchase.

H. There needs to be legislation created to regulate medical alcohol. This is a hot bed issue!

I. 10 mg of prescription Lexapro is totally different from two six packs of Bud Light beer! Omigod!

J. Driving under excessive amounts of prescription drugs can be just as dangerous as driving under the influence of two six packs of Bud Light beer however driving under the influence of 10 mg of Lexapro is generally considered okay. I would suggest checking with a doctor to make sure though.

K. Hey idiot, it’s illegal to drive under the influence of medical marijuana or marijuana period so how can driving under the influence of alcohol be okay!

L. If you get caught driving under medical marijuana or medical alcohol you should be put in jail and if you receive any kind of disability benefits they should be cut off permanently! It’s only fair! Hey some of us have to work for a living and drive to their jobs!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 7) WHAT IS CHOPPERS COMPLEX 22?


(Definition) Choppers Complex 22 is a psychological condition in which an individual won’t eat or drink anything for twenty-two hours after they brush their teeth for fear that they will get their teeth dirty too soon thus giving them only 2 lousy hours out of the entire day to scarf and drink some shit down which really pisses them the hell off and often makes them go apeshit really easily.

I will now use this term in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“Look at that good-lookin’ guy with the tight cute ass and a major case of choppers complex 22 freak the fuck out just because his girlfriend got her nasty-ass smelly saliva and tacky-ass blood red lipstick all over his beautiful white teeth!”

“When Dr. Martin, the orthodontist with alzheimer’s disease, suggested to a couple of his college-aged patients with choppers complex 22 that they do a couple of jello shots for him while they were on Spring Break this year they all voted unanimously to beat the living shit out of his forgetful ass with a stainless-steel-girls-gone-wild-gelatin-mold.”

“Hey mommy! Listen to this song that I wrote while slacking off in Mrs. Keane’s spelling class:
Ralphie Conner has choppers complex 22,
He is a total fruitcake and the class thinks he’s really cuckoo,
Because of all the jacked-up shit me and the class have done to him his tired-ass mama has decided to sue,
So here’s Officer Jackson with a subpoena baby just for you,
Hey mommy come back don’t run cause’ there ain’t a damn thing that you can do,
Hey bitch, you’re getting sued! Woowho!
P.S. Mom, have I told you lately that I really love slacking off in school and you too!
By the by mom, please don’t whoop my ass when we get home, boo hoo boo hoo!”

And last but not least, I would like to send a big ol’ heavenly shout out to the beautiful and talented, Farrah Fawcett with the gorgeous choppers! For an example, check out the famous 70’s poster of Farrah in a red bathing suit which I have included with this blog post. Hey Charlie’s Angel, this heterosexual black girl thinks that you rocked the fucking planet while you were here, you are sorely missed!

P.S. As a former domestic violence victim myself, I want to personally take the time to thank you for your brilliant portrayal of a domestic violence victim in the classic tv movie, The Burning Bed! Because of you, angel, domestic violence was brought out into the open and so much has been done to stop it. Thank you! My only sadness when it comes to you angel is that unfortunately you died on the same day as Michael Jackson and got somewhat lost in the drama. But I just wanted to let you know Farrah that Michael Jackson’s death may have stolen alot of your thunder but to alot of your true fans like me we mourned you vigorously right along with the King of Pop himself! Farrah Fawcett, my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you will forever be missed! God bless you and Michael Jackson! (I am a big fan of his too!) Rest in heavenly peace, babies, rest in heavenly peace!

By the by, I absolutely loved that awesome iconic 70’s hairstyle of yours! It was totally awesome and so are you!

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HERE IS A POEM THAT I WROTE ESPECIALLY FOR CAT LOVERS AND…. OH YEAH, THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO MASTERBATE!


And it goes a little something like this!

My cat just caught me masterbating!

Oh, it was so fucking embarrassing and extremely degrading!

I mean, one day I woke up so horny that I didn’t feel like waiting for my boyfriend, John,

So I took out my pink jelly rabbit vibrator and decided to get it the hell on!

I turned on some music then stripped off all of my clothes until I was butt-ass bare,

Then stuck the quivering vibrator into my vagina right below my clit and curly black pubic hair.

After 18 minutes I was in heaven nothing else mattered I didn’t have a care,

But then I heard a noise from over there.

I thought I was alone I slowly looked over in despair.

My cat was sitting on my bedroom windowsill watching me with a disgusted shocked-ass stare!

Oh the injustice of it all, it was not fucking fair!

To be caught by my cat masterbating with my freshly waxed legs thrown high in the air!

I felt so awful so full of shame!

My damn cat caught me when I barely just came!

Unfortunately things between me and my cat will never be the same!

Because I got caught by my cat masterbating to the song, “Give It To Me Baby” courtesy of soul singer Rick James!

By the by, I would like to send a heavenly shout out to the funkmaster himself, Rick James! Rick, I am and always will be a big fan of your music! Rest in peace nasty baby, rest in peace! And this heavenly shout out Rick was sent out up to you from Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch! That’s right heavenly funkmaster, you’re Rick James, bitch and i’m Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch!

Also, I love and really miss the Rick James comedy skits that brilliant comedian, Dave Chappelle from the Chappelle Show used to do! They were fantastic!

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WELCOME TO TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S ONLINE JACKED-THE-FUCK-UP JOB QUITTING SEMINAR: (FUCKED UP TIP NUMBER 1) LIKE COUNTRY SINGER JOHNNY PAYCHECK ONCE SANG, “TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!”


Let’s face it people, there are alot of ways to quit your job and tell your asshole employer to go to hell so for those of you brave-ass individuals ready to take the plunge and tell your boss to take this job and shove it, consider sending this totally impersonal email to do it.

(By the by: At this time I would like to send a heavenly shout out to Mr. Johnny Paycheck and his kick-ass tune, “Take This Job And Shove It!” Mr. Paycheck you sang a timeless tune that will always stand the test of time because unfortunately there are some things in life that you can never escape from no matter how hard you try such as cockroaches, death, blonde hair dye and shitty employers. So, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, a beautiful-talented-big-ass-and-not-afraid-to-blow-her-own-horn-black-girl am loudly and proudly stating in this blog post that I like old school country music and that includes your kick-ass country song baby! So beautiful talented country music dude, rest in heavenly peace baby, rest in heavenly peace! And thanks a bunch for singing that kick-ass song!)

So let’s get this country party started!

Email Subject Title: “Dear Employer”
(P.S. For maximum effect, when composing the job quitting email letter be sure to put only “Dear Employer” in the subject area of the email so that the email will seem extremely sweet-ass and shit and your dumb-ass employer won’t have any idea that you’re about to kick his or her sorry ass to the curb. Make it look like any other email that you would send to the cocksucker during the course of an ordinary business day. Anyhoo, job quitters of the world, always remember to use the hell out of subterfuge! Deceit when quitting a job rules the day! And for you goody-goodies out there who totally disagree with me, KISS MY ASS!)

Movin’ on!

Email Letter Text:
(P.S. Try using something like the below text to really sock it to your boss and don’t forget to play around with negative and curse words in your email job quitting letter. Show no mercy to your stupid-ass boss! Remember, kill, kill, kill! But I mean not literally! You could go to jail or get the death penalty for that shit! When I say “kill” I mean don’t be afraid to get all harsh language on his or her ass in your email letter. Remember in your job quitting email letter to be as creative and as harsh as fucking possible!)

Anyhoo, here we go!

“Dear Employer (otherwise known as slavedriver, tightwad, moneybags, head honcho, big cheese, scumbag, moron, all-around a-hole….)”

(P.S. At this time I would like to give three big ol’ shoutouts to my former bosses, Mitchell Young of Business New Haven Newspaper and Blake and Angela Walker of Illusions at Large! Hey assholes, I composed this job quitting email letter with you imbeciles in mind. Ahhh, payback is sooo sweet!)

Anyhoo, back to the show!

“This email is to inform you that I am terminating my employment with your company effective RIGHT NOW!”

(The last two words should be strongly stressed.)

“YEAH, BABY! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”

(Try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress your point.)

“As you may have guessed since I quit my job with your company via this impersonal, but extremely satisfying means of communication called ‘the email,’ there’s no friggin’ way that i’m givin’ you idiots 2 weeks notice per company policy. And don’t even think about fuckin’ with my medical or dental insurance or you’ll regret it because I got compromising pictures of you from the office Christmas party that i’m sure your spouse would just love!”

“However, since I didn’t give you adequate notice, to be fair, I feel it is my duty to at least help you find the most bug-eyed replacement on the planet, just to help you out in your time of need because that’s the kind of generous person I am.”

“You know you’re gonna’ miss me!”

(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)

“Dear employer, I want with all my heart and generous soul for one of my bug-eyed replacement’s eyeballs to pop out of the socket and plop right into your eight dollar cup of Starbucks coffee, sunny-side up!”

“Mmmm good!”

“And plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!”

“And quite frankly, be exactly what you deserve, scumbag!”

“Plus on the bright and sunny side up side, it would boost employee morale to see an eyeball pop into the boss’ coffee plus give them something to talk and laugh about for years to come!”

“So tightwad, do your employees a favor and hire a bug-eyed replacement for me right away!”

“If in doubt dear employer, remember the Folgers Coffee slogan, ‘The best part of wakin’ up … is Folgers and a nasty-ass veiny eyeball in your cup.”

“Hey, I don’t know why but for some reason seeing a nasty eyeball pop out of a socket and plop into the boss’ cup of coffee sunny-side up seems to break up the monotony of a work day.”

“Go figure!”

“Okay people reading this blog post job quitting email letter, I know that i’m one sick sarcastic puppy but if taking pleasure in seeing a new employee’s eyeball pop out of a socket into a cup of frothy cappuccino sunny-side up into a shitty boss’ cup of expensive-ass coffee is wrong, I don’t want to be right baby! I don’t want to be right! So sayeth the lord, so sayeth the shepherd!”

“At this time, I am now going to start talking about that ‘quitting my job with your company’ thing again.”

“I want to take the time to assure you that the decision to quit my job with your company was not an easy one, but rather an EXTREMELY EASY ONE which involved 90 seconds of thought in between taking a leak and nuking some pizza rolls during a commercial break of an old Grey’s Anatomy episode.”

“No, seriously!”

“It was oh so difficult! And i’m being oh so sarcastic!”

“I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”

(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)

“No more ulcers and zits for me!”

“Hey, that rhymes! Anyhoo……..”

“In closing, I want to take the time to express my gratitude to you dear employer for giving me a truly horrible employment experience with your company and with you personally.”

“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”

“I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of skills and experience that I acquired at your company and from you personally that will bring me more money, happiness and benefits from my next employer. Thanks alot, moron!”

“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”

“No, seriously!”

“Sincerely,”

“Your former employee (otherwise known as “little toy you like to play with”, peon, slave, lackey, personal punching bag, hack, old workhorse, “innocent flawless hardworking victim.)”

(And job quitters, don’t forget to digitally sign and date your “Take This Job And Shove It” job quitting email letter. And you’re done! Hooray! Like Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last!”)

(By the by: Below are the kick-ass lyrics to the kick-ass country music song, “Take This Job And Shove It!” by Johnny Paycheck. Enjoy! And if you want to include them in your job quitting email letter too, cool!)

And that concludes Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s Online Jacked-The-Fuck-Up Job Quitting Seminar! Happy job quitting to you! And dear employer, I love you!
(Loud-ass snicker!)

Take This Job And Shove It!
A Song performed by Johnny Paycheck

(Chorus)
Take this job and shove it I ain’t workin’ here no more
My woman done left and took all the reason I was working for
Ya, better not try and stand in my way
Cause I’m walkin’, out the door
Take this job and shove it I ain’t working here no more

Well, I been working in this factory for now on fifteen years
All this time, I watched my woman drownin’ in a pool of tears
And I’ve seen a lot of good folks die who had a lot of bills to pay
I’d give the shirt right off of my back if I had the guts to say…

(Chorus)

The foreman, he’s a regular dog the line boss, he’s a fool
Got a brand new flat top haircut Lord, he thinks he’s cool
One of these days I’m gonna blow my top and that sucker, he’s gonna pay
I can’t wait to see their faces when I get the nerve to say…

(Chorus)

Take this job and shove it

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SELECTIVE SERVICE: IS THE MILITARY DRAFT BACK OR IS IT?


I originally wrote this post in November 2008 for my Instablogs webpage.

Question: Has anyone been prosecuted for NOT registering with the Selective Service?

The reason why I ask is lately I have been hearing alot of radio advertisements about how if you are a male who is 18 years of age you MUST register with the Selective Service.

Which is fine and dandy.

(I mean, i’m not military hatin’!)

And all of the radio ads that I have heard have all been light and make it seem like registering with the Selective Service is easy and fun, however…

At the end of these ads they really seem to emphasize that “It’s The Law!” And if you don’t register there will be some dire consequences for not doing this.

It almost seems like a veiled threat. It seems like forced military induction! Like the draft is back! And I thought that the draft was over!

But of course in the military’s defense, I know that in times of war desperate circumstances call for desperate measures.

Anyhoo, the text below is taken from the Selective Service System government website about registration requirements. The website states that almost all male U.S. citizens and male aliens living in the U.S., who are 18 through 25, are required to register with Selective Service.

They further state that it’s important to know that even though he is registered, a man will not automatically be inducted into the military. In a crisis requiring a draft, men would be called in sequence determined by random lottery number and year of birth. Then, they would be examined for mental, physical and moral fitness by the military before being deferred or exempted from military service or inducted into the Armed Forces.

Question: Do you think that the Selective Service’s policy feels like a forced induction into the military (i.e. the draft is back) or is it “just the law” and the Selective Service is only doing it’s job?

Please let me know.

P.S. I know that it is a bit sexist but thank god i’m a woman and not required to register with the Selective Service.

Sorry, guys!

Another P.S. The Selective Service Lottery is one lottery that I wouldn’t want to win.

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ATTENTION LADIES OF ALL ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS, THIS IS YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR THE YEAR 2013!


Ladies, regardless whether you are an aries, taurus, gemini, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, scorpio, sagittarius, capricorn, aquarius or pieces, this is your horoscope for the period of January 1 – December 31, 2013, so let’s get started!

Money/Career Forecast: Luck! I see green, people! Good news! You will receive that long-awaited cost-of-living raise that you have been counting on! Unfortunately the extra 15 cents per hour won’t be enough to buy that six room beach house in the Bahamas or that pair of extra silky pantyhose with the built in granny panty crouch that you so desperately want. Dammit!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: March 17th (Happy St. Patty’s Day!)

Love/Relationship Forecast: After years of praying, crying, binge eating chocolate bon-bons and 2,000 broken dishes, one of your wishes will finally come true when your longtime boyfriend finally tells you that he loves you but only after years of you pretending that you don’t want a serious relationship. But who cares! Better late than never! Your strategy finally paid off! You win!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: February 14th (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Fashion Forecast: Numerous compliments from men, women and chiguagua’s will come your way at work when you wear a stunning black dress that you bought on sale at Macys. But just remember ladies to keep a cool head when you find out after doing your laundry seven weeks later that the stunning black dress that you bought on sale is actually a MATERNITY dress and you’re not even close to being pregnant! (In fact, if the truth be told, your vagina has developed a big ol’ cobweb across the opening due to all of the sexual inactivity.) But anyhoo ladies always remember fashion rule number one: “Baby, it doesn’t matter how big a dress is, it’s how good you look in it! Work it, girl!” P.S. Big girls & thin girls rule the planet equally!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: January 1st & July 4th (Happy New Year & Fourth of July!)

Entertainment Forecast: A new friend enters your life for a short time after a crisis situation. That’s right, you and Paris Hilton will become best buds after her filthy stinkin’ rich family finally decides to show some common sense by cutting off her inheritance and kicking her butt out of their expensive-ass diggs until she can show some damn sense. But being the good christian that you are you decide to take her into your home after you spot her panhandling for $10,000 bills out on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills only to kick her ass out of your own home 1 hour and 31 minutes later when an african american friend of hers stops by for a visit and is told by Paris that she can’t use the Ivory Soap to wash her hands because it is strictly for white people’s use. After apologizing profusely to Nicole Ritchie and letting her use the Ivory Soap then making sure that she gets safely into her limo you decide right then and there that you are done with no-talent, famous for absolutely nothing celebutantes and your New Year’s Resolution for the year 2013 is to lead a happy drama-free simple life! Amen, sister, amen!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: April 1st & October 31st (Happy Halloween & April Fools Day!)

Health Forecast: Laughing at my 2013 horoscope ladies combined with your beautiful sense of humor will temporarily take away any pain, physical or mental, that you are feeling so be comforted sweet spirit! Dr. Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s prescription for the year 2013—Include intense laughter therapy into your everyday life! Laugh as much as you can, where ever you can for as long as you can! Remember, sweet spirit, laughing is not only damn good for you but it’s absolutely free! And every person on this planet knows that a lady never turns down free stuff! It’s just in our designer jeans or something.
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: December 25th (Merry Christmas!)

Well, ladies, this concludes your astrological horoscope for the year 2013! I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden truly hope that you have a happy, safe and prosperous year! And that includes you too, Paris and Nicole!

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