AMERICAN WOMEN CAN’T HANDLE CHOCOLATE TOOTHPASTE!


This is a comedy script that I wrote back in October 2007.

Hey did you know that Close-up makes chocolate toothpaste and sells it over in the Phillipines?”

“Yesterday, my father asked me how come Closeup doesn’t sell chocolate toothpaste here in America.”

“I can sum the reason up in six words.”

(Comic should emphasize strongly the following six words for maximum effect.)

“AMERICAN WOMEN CAN’T HANDLE CHOCOLATE TOOTHPASTE!”

“And before some of ya’ll object, I just wanna’ say………………………………………………”

(Comic should sing the chorus of the Milli Vanilli song, “Girl You Know It’s True.” Comic should simply substitute the word “love” for “know.”)

“Girl, you know it’s true.”
“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I know you.”
“Yes, you know it’s true.”
“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I know you.”

“I mean come on ladies let’s face it, American women get pissed off enough when men leave the cap off of a regular tube of toothpaste and a few stray hairs and some burnt toast crumbs accidentally get into it. (I mean ladies, what’s up! A man’s gotta’ eat and comb his hair, right?) But God help a man if he leaves the cap off of a tube of some chocolate toothpaste. It’s over!”

(Comic should imitate an angry female voice and should pretend to wave a tube of toothpaste in the air.)

“Brian, what’s this! There’s no cap on the chocolate toothpaste! (Comic should gasp loudly and point his finger accusingly.) You were the last one to use it! I know! I know Brian! I know what you did last summer and I know what you did here today! I can’t believe you didn’t put the cap back on the chocolate toothpaste! Brian, I trusted you, I loved you, I gave you the best fifteen years of my life and you do this to me! Brian, pack your bags and get your lazy selfish ass the hell out! And don’t forget to put the cap back on the chocolate toothpaste before you go!”

“I’m telling ya’ every man in America had better pray that Closeup never decides to sell Chocolate toothpaste in America because every man in America will find himself living with another man in America for leaving the cap off of the chocolate toothpaste.”

“Men, let me sum it up like this, if you and a tube of chocolate toothpaste were both trapped in a burning building and your woman could only rescue one of you. Well…………………….”

(Comic should start to laugh.)

“Men, you can kiss your butt goodbye! Because it ain’t gonna’ be you that your woman rescues from that burning building.”

“Your woman and the tube of chocolate toothpaste will be outside the burning building after the rescue laughing, roasting marshmallows and saying to the building, “burn baby burn!”

“Your toast brother!”

“Which according to your woman shouldn’t bother you anyway because your lazy, selfish ass does nothing but leave the cap off of the chocolate toothpaste and get burnt toast crumbs in it so you should feel right at home in that burning building turning to toast.”

3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    My Homepage said,

    Nice post. I learn something a lot more challenging on different blogs everyday. It will always be stimulating to read content material from other writers and practice a bit something from their store. Iíd prefer to use some with the content material on my weblog whether you donít mind. Natually Iíll give you a link on your internet weblog. Thanks for sharing. 776573

  2. 2

    Brad Judon said,

    This is a great article. You make a lot of sense and I agree with many of your views. I don’t disagree with anything you have written, but some of this really has me thinking.


Comment RSS · TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: