ATTENTION LADIES OF ALL ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS, THIS IS YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR THE YEAR 2013!


Ladies, regardless whether you are an aries, taurus, gemini, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, scorpio, sagittarius, capricorn, aquarius or pieces, this is your horoscope for the period of January 1 – December 31, 2013, so let’s get started!

Money/Career Forecast: Luck! I see green, people! Good news! You will receive that long-awaited cost-of-living raise that you have been counting on! Unfortunately the extra 15 cents per hour won’t be enough to buy that six room beach house in the Bahamas or that pair of extra silky pantyhose with the built in granny panty crouch that you so desperately want. Dammit!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: March 17th (Happy St. Patty’s Day!)

Love/Relationship Forecast: After years of praying, crying, binge eating chocolate bon-bons and 2,000 broken dishes, one of your wishes will finally come true when your longtime boyfriend finally tells you that he loves you but only after years of you pretending that you don’t want a serious relationship. But who cares! Better late than never! Your strategy finally paid off! You win!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: February 14th (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Fashion Forecast: Numerous compliments from men, women and chiguagua’s will come your way at work when you wear a stunning black dress that you bought on sale at Macys. But just remember ladies to keep a cool head when you find out after doing your laundry seven weeks later that the stunning black dress that you bought on sale is actually a MATERNITY dress and you’re not even close to being pregnant! (In fact, if the truth be told, your vagina has developed a big ol’ cobweb across the opening due to all of the sexual inactivity.) But anyhoo ladies always remember fashion rule number one: “Baby, it doesn’t matter how big a dress is, it’s how good you look in it! Work it, girl!” P.S. Big girls & thin girls rule the planet equally!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: January 1st & July 4th (Happy New Year & Fourth of July!)

Entertainment Forecast: A new friend enters your life for a short time after a crisis situation. That’s right, you and Paris Hilton will become best buds after her filthy stinkin’ rich family finally decides to show some common sense by cutting off her inheritance and kicking her butt out of their expensive-ass diggs until she can show some damn sense. But being the good christian that you are you decide to take her into your home after you spot her panhandling for $10,000 bills out on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills only to kick her ass out of your own home 1 hour and 31 minutes later when an african american friend of hers stops by for a visit and is told by Paris that she can’t use the Ivory Soap to wash her hands because it is strictly for white people’s use. After apologizing profusely to Nicole Ritchie and letting her use the Ivory Soap then making sure that she gets safely into her limo you decide right then and there that you are done with no-talent, famous for absolutely nothing celebutantes and your New Year’s Resolution for the year 2013 is to lead a happy drama-free simple life! Amen, sister, amen!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: April 1st & October 31st (Happy Halloween & April Fools Day!)

Health Forecast: Laughing at my 2013 horoscope ladies combined with your beautiful sense of humor will temporarily take away any pain, physical or mental, that you are feeling so be comforted sweet spirit! Dr. Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s prescription for the year 2013—Include intense laughter therapy into your everyday life! Laugh as much as you can, where ever you can for as long as you can! Remember, sweet spirit, laughing is not only damn good for you but it’s absolutely free! And every person on this planet knows that a lady never turns down free stuff! It’s just in our designer jeans or something.
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: December 25th (Merry Christmas!)

Well, ladies, this concludes your astrological horoscope for the year 2013! I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden truly hope that you have a happy, safe and prosperous year! And that includes you too, Paris and Nicole!

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