Archive for June, 2012

THE COLUMBIA HOUSE RECORD CLUB MEMORIAL SONG!


Oh, no,

Oh why did you have to go,

Folks, Friday, June 29th 2012 will mark the one year anniversary of the death of an industry giant, yo,

And for all of you folks not in the loop or in the know,

Former mail order giant, Columbia House Record Club quietly closed their dusty-ass cobwebbed doors, oh no baby, say it ain’t so,

Hey ya’ll here’s the 411 on a company who got kicked to the curb by Napster and was unable to make any dough,

For a down payment of a mere penny, 12 records or cassettes were shipped a few weeks later to an average joe,

And from the fifties to the nineties youngins all over the country like me got to shake their groove things, ho,

I personally received my 12 cassettes back in the 80’s consisting of Lionel Ritchie, Culture Club and Michael Jackson complete with his greasy-ass jheri curl fro,

And for many a year Columbia House was rollin’ in the deep makin’ them benjamins from head to toe,

But folks what goes up must also come down baby and for Columbia House they hit rock bottom, oh them bitches sunk low,

Napster, non-payments by club members and because of the high costs of hiring collection agencies to recoup their precious dough,

Columbia House Record Club folded faster than a house of cards and became a forgotten footnote in pop culture history bro,

Well at least until now yo,

Unfortunately it’s been 30 years since I stiffed you guys on the 12 cassettes so…

I wrote this song for you to try to make up for it so I hope this Columbia House Record Club will make us friends not foe,

Goodbye to you Columbia House Record Club you had a damn good ride and made one hell of a successful go,

Cheerio to you, my beautiful beau!

So damn sorry that I forgot about you before I could pay you what I owe!

P.S.    But Columbia House Record Club in my defense I was only 12 years old when I signed that contract and usually you have to be 18 years old to enter into a legal contract in the USA. Sorry!

And last but not least I would also like to take the time to say a proper goodbye to former superstar, Michael Jackson. Michael, it has been 3 years since your death and I still really miss you and the beautiful music that you would have made!

Thank you Columbia House Record Club for being the first company to truly introduce me to Michael Jackson’s music! I really appreciate it!

Rest in peace Michael Jackson and Columbia House Record Club!

I will truly miss the both of you!

It is truly the end of an era.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 3) THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU DON’T PLAY WITH ON A DATE, BUDDY!


Play with it in a darkened movie theatre or at home in your locked bedroom but guys, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, play with it while you are out on a date!  (Not unless your date is really kinky!)
Trust me guys, nothing turns off a female faster than seeing a guy constanly twirling his hair playfully around his finger and tossing it around like he is in one of those dopey shampoo commercials.
Guys, a woman won’t hate you because your beautiful, she’ll hate you because you’re totally lame!
In other words guys, leave your hair the hell alone!
(FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY:  If you are a man out on a date and suddenly are hit with a powerful urge to start twirling your hair around your finger or even worse, tossing it around like you are in one of those dopey shampoo commercials, for the love of god, get the fuck away from your date as fast as you can!  Leave that chick in the damn dust!  Then immediately seek out your nearest elementary school.  Either get permission to enter the school from a staff member or simply break into the muthafucker!  After all, this is an emergency and the police will understand and not arrest you for breaking and entering after you have told them the reason why you had to do it.  Anyhoo, once inside of the elementary school immediately go to the nearest chalkboard and write the following phrase, “I AM A MAN HEAR ME ROAR!  I’M NOT GONNA’ PLAY WITH IT ANYMORE!”  Be sure to write this phrase on the chalkboard at least 100 times or at least until the urge to twirl and toss your hair around like they do in all of those dopey shampoo commercials subsides.)

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 2)


Guys, let me give you some advice, don’t ever brew your date some coffee in a 1970’s tube sock!

First of all guys, it’s not only damn stupid but it’s also damn wrong!

Guys, I know that your date specifically expressed to you her need for a cup of strong-ass coffee before you go out on your date but guys stop the damn madness and do the right and sanitary thing and brew the damn coffee in a coffeemaker with a whole canful of coffee grounds instead of taking the totally dumb-ass route and brewing the damn coffee in your ultra-sweaty, ultra-nasty, ultra-germy, ultra-stinky 1970’s tube socks that you worked out in the gym for three hours in and have been laying around on your laundry room floor for the past five days!

Trust me guys, your date’s delicate digestive system will thank the hell out of you for it!

And for all of you guys out there still torn on this issue because of three things and those three things being:

1. You know that 100% your 1970’s tube sock, some piping hot water and a pinch of coffee grounds would definitely make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for better than any coffeemaker would.

2. You have a kinky-ass foot fetish due to seeing Amy Irving, Nancy Allen and Betty Buckley prancing around tantalizingly in tube socks in the seventies cult horror movie classic, Carrie.

3. Your hoping at the end of your date that you will see your date prance around for you buck naked in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com

Guys, stop the damn madness, then seek some quickie online psychiatric professional help at crazyassmofoswithweirdassfootfetishes.com and then make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for but make the damn coffee in a damn coffeemaker with a shitload of coffee grounds thrown in and maybe just maybe your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will come true!

But guys, let me tell you that your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will definitely not come true if you brew her a cup of coffee in your tube sock!

But guys, you are grown men and the decision is entirely up to you.

But if it were me, i’d brew the coffee in a damn coffeemaker like a civilized human being!

Geez!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 10) HERE IS A SPECIAL FOURTH OF JULY HOLIDAY GREETING CARD FOR LOVERS ONLY!


This is a greeting card that a woman can give to a man on the Fourth of July Holiday to really starts some fireworks in the bedroom, on the kitchen floor or in your local Burger King bathroom!

My CandyCoated Wet Dreams Are……….

POP ROCKS exploding in my warm moist mouth!

Me sucking juicy RING POPS long, hard and bone dry!

Me tying LICORICE ROPES firmly and prettily around a certain gentlemen’s large throbbing package!

And lover, do you want to know what all of this sweet talkin’ reminds me of?

YOUR BIG DICK, BABY!

(As if you already didn’t know you smug cocksucker!)

Anyhoo……….

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY MY DEAR HOT COMBUSTIBLE FIRECRACKER!

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