Archive for August, 2012

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 2)


Hey guys, bisexual gals or straight up lesbians, if you wake up one morning and decide to have some super cinnamon toast for breakfast or in sex terms, a life sized inflatable black female doll slathered from head to toe with warm butter, cinnamon and sugar and are ready to chow down on it but all of a sudden the doll bursts and starts to deflate, take my knowledgeable advice and don’t get your panties or any other organ into a wad, simply turn a bitter lemon into sweet lemonade meaning instead of having yummy super cinnamon toast for your breakfast have yummy super cinnamon flat ass pancakes instead. As Campbell Soup and inflatable doll aficionados say, “Mmmm, mmmm good!”

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Remember people, when it comes to good yummy sex one must do as the successful comedians do: Improvise, improvise, improvise! In sex terms, Improvisation and The Second City Comedy Club in Chicago totally rules!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 1)


For all of you nasty ass boys and gals or nasty ass gals and gals out there who love sex that hurts so good try the poppin’ ass cherry! Heteros and lesbos after some long-ass foreplay simply pop a package or two of cherry pop rocks up your lady’s snatch, put an ear up to it then once you hear that pussy go snap crackle pop then fellas insert that hot dick of yours or lesbos insert that hot dildo of yours into your lady’s poppin’ ass cherry pussy and get to pop pop poppin’ off yourself! Hey fellas and lesbos, after poppin’ off that dick or dildo in your lady’s pussy, ease your dick or dildo out then insert that poppin’ ass cherry dick or dildo into her ass and pop pop pop off in there too! And as a literal cherry on top – fellas and lesbos once you are finished poppin’ off in your lady’s pussy and ass take that cherry flavored dick or dildo out and when it comes to the secretions and cum left on that dick or dildo, do as Winona Ryder in the kick-ass 80’s cult movie classic, ‘Heathers’ says, “Lick it up baby! Lick it up!” In sex terms, couples when it comes to the poppin’ ass cherry every woman no matter how fucking experienced she is sexually can be pure as the driven snow again when it comes to this sexual technique.

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Hey couples, if your partner is an olympic secretor, then sop up some of that wet sticky cherry cum and put it into a tupperware container and refrigerate it then pop it out at least thirty minutes before your next sexual encounter and use it as homemade lubricant. Remember, in this economy even when it comes to sex, waste not want not baby! Waste not want not!

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HERE’S A CELL PHONE TIP JUST FOR THE LADIES!


Gals, if your purse looks anything like mine (and I severely hope not) it’s hard to find anything due to the fact that I have so much shit in it that it looks like a portable walking rummage sale.

But all in all this doesn’t faze me.

I mean as long as I can pull out my cell phone, my most prized necessity within a couple of seconds, i’m fine.

And speaking of cell phones, I have figured out a very simple way to find this item asap and I am going to share my tip with you.

A few years ago ladies I started keeping my cell phone in a distinctive colored plastic eye glass case and ever since then I have never had any problems finding my cell phone in a hurry. Plus some other wonderful benefits of keeping my cell phone in a plastic eye glass case in my landfill of a purse that I get around to cleaning once every couple of months is:

-I have avoided getting my cell phone wet and ruining it due to the many bottles of lotion and hand sanitizer and pouches of Capri Sun Juices that I tote along in my purse.

-I have also avoided the arduous and lame-ass task of peeling off purse lint, stray hair from my pocket comb and multiple pieces of Jolly Ranchers Candy that have somehow come unwrapped from my cell phone.

-And sometimes when I am in a hurry I toss things in my purse carelessly which is no longer a problem because the eye glass case completely protects my cell phone from damage. So no matter if I toss a couple of coins, a sharp cornered compact disc, a heavy paperback book or a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew in my purse abruptly, my cell phone is completely covered, literally!

So ladies if your purse is a portable junk drawer like mine is but you are too busy or too lazy to get rid of some of the clutter on a semi-regular basis but you still need to be able to locate your cell phone in a microsecond then take my advice and go out to your nearest Dollar Store, Dollar Tree, Kmart or Walmart and buy yourself a totally inexpensive but totally valuable in the long run plastic eye glass case to keep your cell phone in while it’s in your purse as soon as you possibly can!

WARNING: Your purse lint, stray hair from your pocket comb and Jolly Ranchers Candies certainly won’t like it but screw those bitches because the important thing is that YOU will personally like it and that’s all that matters.

P.S. And for those of you cell phone worry warts, if placed in the right plastic eye glass case you can still hear your cell phone ring as clear as a bell. No worries.

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES! (LIGHTBULB 3)


Since Hollywood has no major originality and has been remaking the hell out of classic tv shows and movies like crazy these past years, that got me to thinking.

I have an idea.

Personally this 42 year old black girl loves old school country music and I figure alot of other people must too.

So……………………..

Why don’t they remake the kick-ass country movie classic, Honeysuckle Rose which starred Willie Nelson, Dyan Cannon and Amy Irving for television.

Since Warner Brothers was the film studio who originally made the movie in the first place they could easily create a tv show around the movie featuring a young Buck Bonham and his country music band and broadcast it on their WB Network alongside teenybopper favorites One Tree Hill and Veronica Mars.

A remake like this could easily give the Fox Network and the show Glee a run for their money.

Plus they could introduce the young people of today to the wonderful country music of the past.

I mean folks don’t get me wrong I like hip hop, rap and pop music but it seems that when it comes to tv shows geared toward the under 30 set, you don’t see a whole lot of country music played on these tv shows.  Folks this is music discrimination and it has got to stop!

Perhaps even Warner Brothers could partner up with Country Music Television and broadcast the new Honeysuckle Rose tv show on both networks.

Folks I think a remake of the Honeysuckle Rose movie into a tv show is a match made in country music and elite television heaven.

Warner Brothers remake the movie, Honeysuckle Rose, please!

P.S.   And don’t forget to hire some young actors who can actually sing!!!  And also don’t forget to ask some kick-ass country guest stars like Waylon Jennings and Merle Haggard to come onto the show as well!

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