Archive for January, 2014

HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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IF I COULD GIVE “GIRL ON FIRE” FOR THE MOMENT, JENNIFER LAWRENCE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT WOULD BE …..


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

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HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE COUPLES OUT THERE! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


LOVEY BOO!  (A Song Written By Tina Knowledgeable Peden)

(VERSE 1)

-Valentine’s Day, oh boy, the kinky love,
-My baby’s gonna’ spank my nasty-ass with his ultra-ribbed pleasure glove,
-Fucking, bucking and sucking all of those yummy chocolate-covered balls,
-Oh god, oh god, oh god, I just love having sex with my baby after hearing steamy-ass 1900 calls,
-Because . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 2)

-Valentine’s Day, oh girl, the hot and healthy sex,
-My honey’s gonna’ sprinkle my body all over with some tasty-ass yogurt-covered wheat chex,
-Sniffin’, ticklin’ and lickin’ all of those edible cherry-flavored red roses and pussy willows,
-Oh god, oh god, oh god, I just love comin’ in my honey’s mouth while propped up on her heart-shaped red satin pillows,
-Because . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 3)

-Well, my sweet, as Valentine’s Day and night comes to a close,
-Of course I want to thank you for having sex with me and taking off all of your clothes,
-Cause’ baby when it comes to phenomenal sex me and only heaven knows,
-That you are perfection and make me feel so damn good from my head to my toes,
-And that’s why . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 4)

-But seriously my love, now, I want to thank you by going all old school on your sexy, delectable-ass,
-When I was a kid on Valentine’s Day, I just loved getting miniature greeting cards and boxes of candy hearts with messages on them in class,
-So here’s my sweet-ass heart-shaped “let’s go steady so we can hold hands” candy-coated inscribed verbal message expressly for you,
-No matter whether it’s Valentine’s Day or any ol’ regular day of the year, I just want you to know that I will forever love you and sometimes wanna’ fuck you, my sweet Lovey Boo!
-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Just kidding! And without further sexual ado . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

And to view some of my other songs/lyrics please click on or go to the website below.  http://songbay.co/artists/4490

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