Archive for Employment/Work Related

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES! (LIGHTBULB 4)


Hey people looking for unique business opportunities, consider this shizit!

The next time that you see a photographer discreetly taking pictures of a couple casually strolling through a busy park seemingly like they don’t have a care in the world or see an individual dressed up like a stereotypical rockstar, i.e. fringed leather jacket, hot pants, faded t-shirt, shit-kicker boots, ray ban sunglasses topped off by a tacky-ass lavender hat with a giant pink feather stuck in it with a matching boa, in other words, dressed like a pimp . . .

P.S.    At this time I would like to send a shout out to Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.

Anyhoo, back to the show!

. . . exiting a limousine at a very popular nightclub while a bunch of photographers snap away, be not only aware and prepared to laugh your ass off at the ridiculous fashion choices of Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, pimps and faux rockstars in general but be afraid of something far more worse because all may not be as it appears.

(Insert your choice of scary music here!)

The reality is that you may have stumbled into one hell of a devious plot concocted by a total nincompoop and got played big time! For those of you out there wondering what the hell i’m talking about and wish that I would quit beating around the bush and just spit it out, give me a minute, will ya’? I’m trying to build some suspense here! For god’s sake, work with me! Anyhoo, oh impatient ones, here comes one hell of a loogie hawked up and coming your way! It has come to my attention that there are some total yahoos out there so desperate to get their 15 minutes of fame or live the life of a D-List celebrity for a night that they will actually pay a photographer to take pictures of them for a night paparazzi-style pretending like they are famous in hopes that people out on the street, the general public, will do some of the following things:

– Ask these imposters for their autograph.

– Offer these imposters the red carpet/V.I.P. treatment such as the “best table in the house”, free champagne, a fresh bowlful of pretzels that hasn’t been touched by a bunch of nasty-ass drunken patrons previously or at the bare minimum a free blow job/muff job.

– Have people take photos of these imposters out in public with their cell phones or cameras in hopes that they are either emailed to a newspaper or online magazine or posted on YouTube or people’s Facebook pages in order to get them some attention thus get the ball rolling on their D-List careers.

In essence, these wannabes will hire anybody be it a photographer, limo driver, bodyguard or proctologist to do whatever it takes to “get famous” or get their names and photos in print even if it means lying or giving up their self respect to do it. Omigod!

And folks you may think that actors, models and musicians new to the game would be the only ones stupid enough to hire a photographer, limo driver or bodyguard to help them pretend that they famous but surprisingly many washed up, past their prime hacks similar to Vanilla Ice have also been known to perpetrate this devious charade as well. And there has also been a startling rise in the number of regular people like housewives, lawyers, construction workers, teenagers, elderly, et cetera from all over the world doing this too.

But folks let me tell you that this really doesn’t surprise me all that much being that we all now live in a world of  “Regardless whether I have talent or not I hope that my video on YouTube goes viral so that I can get my 15 minutes of fame or seriously paid.”  That’s just how it is now and unfortunately folks there is nothing that we can do about it other than judge them or sit back and laugh at them which if the truth be told is not all that bad really.

So for any enterprising individuals out there reading this post, be smart and make some damn money honey off of a pathetic fame seeker wannabe by opening up your own photo taking, limo driving or body guarding business to the faux stars today! I mean it’s not like you will need alot of start up cash. The only things that you will really need are a limo, camera or a person who looks like they can kick ass, Craigslist ad and one pathetic fame seeker wannabe and with so many people out there desperate for fame any way that they can achieve it you’ll never run out of paying suckers, oh i’m sorry, I mean paying customers.

At this time I would like to send out one last shout out to everybody’s famous for absolutely nothing sex tape vixen extraordinaire, Kim Kardashian. Hey Kim, one day when your 15 minutes are up you might consider trying to regain your fame with the method that I have just been discussing in this post.

Peace, girl!

And I hope all of you out there have enjoyed this edition of how to get your 15 minutes of fame or get seriously paid the easy and pathetic way!  This is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden saying good night and good luck!

Leave a comment »

WATCH OUT FOR THE COMPANY, TRIPOLOGY AND THEIR LAME-ASS AFFILIATE PROGRAM!


Hey folks, do yourselves a favor and watch out for Tripology which is a company that specializes in interactive travel referral service.  Basically what they do is try to connect travelers with  travel specialists online.

In my opinion they suck rancid piss through an ultra genital warty three millimeter penis.

Folks, if you are too damn lazy to arrange your own travel, for the love of god, do yourselves a favor and stay the hell away from these idiot cocksuckers!

Instead try Expedia, Travelocity or Trip Advisor who in my opinion are a whole lot better and don’t have such a lame-ass affiliate program like Tripology has!

My major problem with Tripology’s lame-ass affiliate program is that you send alot of clicks to their website with few conversions.  At least in my opinion.

So folks, you are thoroughly warned!

Stay away from these cocksuckers!

Comments (1) »

HEY LYRICISTS AND SONGWRITERS: UPLOAD YOUR WRITTEN LYRICS AT SONGBAY AND MAKE SOME CASH!


Are you a lyricist or songwriter who wants to make some money off of their songs on a legitimate website?

If so, then pay a visit to SongBay and get started!

My official SongBay artist’s page is located at:  http://www.songbay.co/artists/4490/

Leave a comment »

WELCOME TO TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S ONLINE JACKED-THE-FUCK-UP JOB QUITTING SEMINAR: (FUCKED UP TIP NUMBER 1) LIKE COUNTRY SINGER JOHNNY PAYCHECK ONCE SANG, “TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!”


Let’s face it people, there are alot of ways to quit your job and tell your asshole employer to go to hell so for those of you brave-ass individuals ready to take the plunge and tell your boss to take this job and shove it, consider sending this totally impersonal email to do it.

(By the by: At this time I would like to send a heavenly shout out to Mr. Johnny Paycheck and his kick-ass tune, “Take This Job And Shove It!” Mr. Paycheck you sang a timeless tune that will always stand the test of time because unfortunately there are some things in life that you can never escape from no matter how hard you try such as cockroaches, death, blonde hair dye and shitty employers. So, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, a beautiful-talented-big-ass-and-not-afraid-to-blow-her-own-horn-black-girl am loudly and proudly stating in this blog post that I like old school country music and that includes your kick-ass country song baby! So beautiful talented country music dude, rest in heavenly peace baby, rest in heavenly peace! And thanks a bunch for singing that kick-ass song!)

So let’s get this country party started!

Email Subject Title: “Dear Employer”
(P.S. For maximum effect, when composing the job quitting email letter be sure to put only “Dear Employer” in the subject area of the email so that the email will seem extremely sweet-ass and shit and your dumb-ass employer won’t have any idea that you’re about to kick his or her sorry ass to the curb. Make it look like any other email that you would send to the cocksucker during the course of an ordinary business day. Anyhoo, job quitters of the world, always remember to use the hell out of subterfuge! Deceit when quitting a job rules the day! And for you goody-goodies out there who totally disagree with me, KISS MY ASS!)

Movin’ on!

Email Letter Text:
(P.S. Try using something like the below text to really sock it to your boss and don’t forget to play around with negative and curse words in your email job quitting letter. Show no mercy to your stupid-ass boss! Remember, kill, kill, kill! But I mean not literally! You could go to jail or get the death penalty for that shit! When I say “kill” I mean don’t be afraid to get all harsh language on his or her ass in your email letter. Remember in your job quitting email letter to be as creative and as harsh as fucking possible!)

Anyhoo, here we go!

“Dear Employer (otherwise known as slavedriver, tightwad, moneybags, head honcho, big cheese, scumbag, moron, all-around a-hole….)”

(P.S. At this time I would like to give three big ol’ shoutouts to my former bosses, Mitchell Young of Business New Haven Newspaper and Blake and Angela Walker of Illusions at Large! Hey assholes, I composed this job quitting email letter with you imbeciles in mind. Ahhh, payback is sooo sweet!)

Anyhoo, back to the show!

“This email is to inform you that I am terminating my employment with your company effective RIGHT NOW!”

(The last two words should be strongly stressed.)

“YEAH, BABY! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”

(Try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress your point.)

“As you may have guessed since I quit my job with your company via this impersonal, but extremely satisfying means of communication called ‘the email,’ there’s no friggin’ way that i’m givin’ you idiots 2 weeks notice per company policy. And don’t even think about fuckin’ with my medical or dental insurance or you’ll regret it because I got compromising pictures of you from the office Christmas party that i’m sure your spouse would just love!”

“However, since I didn’t give you adequate notice, to be fair, I feel it is my duty to at least help you find the most bug-eyed replacement on the planet, just to help you out in your time of need because that’s the kind of generous person I am.”

“You know you’re gonna’ miss me!”

(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)

“Dear employer, I want with all my heart and generous soul for one of my bug-eyed replacement’s eyeballs to pop out of the socket and plop right into your eight dollar cup of Starbucks coffee, sunny-side up!”

“Mmmm good!”

“And plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!”

“And quite frankly, be exactly what you deserve, scumbag!”

“Plus on the bright and sunny side up side, it would boost employee morale to see an eyeball pop into the boss’ coffee plus give them something to talk and laugh about for years to come!”

“So tightwad, do your employees a favor and hire a bug-eyed replacement for me right away!”

“If in doubt dear employer, remember the Folgers Coffee slogan, ‘The best part of wakin’ up … is Folgers and a nasty-ass veiny eyeball in your cup.”

“Hey, I don’t know why but for some reason seeing a nasty eyeball pop out of a socket and plop into the boss’ cup of coffee sunny-side up seems to break up the monotony of a work day.”

“Go figure!”

“Okay people reading this blog post job quitting email letter, I know that i’m one sick sarcastic puppy but if taking pleasure in seeing a new employee’s eyeball pop out of a socket into a cup of frothy cappuccino sunny-side up into a shitty boss’ cup of expensive-ass coffee is wrong, I don’t want to be right baby! I don’t want to be right! So sayeth the lord, so sayeth the shepherd!”

“At this time, I am now going to start talking about that ‘quitting my job with your company’ thing again.”

“I want to take the time to assure you that the decision to quit my job with your company was not an easy one, but rather an EXTREMELY EASY ONE which involved 90 seconds of thought in between taking a leak and nuking some pizza rolls during a commercial break of an old Grey’s Anatomy episode.”

“No, seriously!”

“It was oh so difficult! And i’m being oh so sarcastic!”

“I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”

(Again, try using italics, bold or colored letters to stress this point.)

“No more ulcers and zits for me!”

“Hey, that rhymes! Anyhoo……..”

“In closing, I want to take the time to express my gratitude to you dear employer for giving me a truly horrible employment experience with your company and with you personally.”

“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”

“I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of skills and experience that I acquired at your company and from you personally that will bring me more money, happiness and benefits from my next employer. Thanks alot, moron!”

“Strong-ass subliminal message just for you dear employer: You totally suck and I hope you grow toe fungus in your eyes!”

“No, seriously!”

“Sincerely,”

“Your former employee (otherwise known as “little toy you like to play with”, peon, slave, lackey, personal punching bag, hack, old workhorse, “innocent flawless hardworking victim.)”

(And job quitters, don’t forget to digitally sign and date your “Take This Job And Shove It” job quitting email letter. And you’re done! Hooray! Like Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last!”)

(By the by: Below are the kick-ass lyrics to the kick-ass country music song, “Take This Job And Shove It!” by Johnny Paycheck. Enjoy! And if you want to include them in your job quitting email letter too, cool!)

And that concludes Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s Online Jacked-The-Fuck-Up Job Quitting Seminar! Happy job quitting to you! And dear employer, I love you!
(Loud-ass snicker!)

Take This Job And Shove It!
A Song performed by Johnny Paycheck

(Chorus)
Take this job and shove it I ain’t workin’ here no more
My woman done left and took all the reason I was working for
Ya, better not try and stand in my way
Cause I’m walkin’, out the door
Take this job and shove it I ain’t working here no more

Well, I been working in this factory for now on fifteen years
All this time, I watched my woman drownin’ in a pool of tears
And I’ve seen a lot of good folks die who had a lot of bills to pay
I’d give the shirt right off of my back if I had the guts to say…

(Chorus)

The foreman, he’s a regular dog the line boss, he’s a fool
Got a brand new flat top haircut Lord, he thinks he’s cool
One of these days I’m gonna blow my top and that sucker, he’s gonna pay
I can’t wait to see their faces when I get the nerve to say…

(Chorus)

Take this job and shove it

Leave a comment »

10 WAYS HOW NOT TO GO “GREEN” AT WORK!


(Definition) What is the Green Movement – A phrase referring to individual action that a person can consciously take to curb harmful effects on the environment through consumer habits.
SCRIPT TEXT:

“Thank you for calling the Anti-Green Movement Hotline, The 10 Ways How Not To Go Green At Work Edition.”

“The purpose of this hotline is to give people who don’t give a rat’s butt about the environment bogus tips on how to piss off those irritatingly responsible environmental dogooders.”

“Office Energy Waster Tip Number 1: Waste The Hell Out Of Light!”

“Remember, energy wasters, artificial lighting accounts for 44 percent of the electricity use in office buildings so do your part to ruin the environment by making it a habit to turn on all the lights before you leave the office for the day.”

“P.S. This will also kill all the office plants too! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Also to really waste some major wattage, plug in a couple of night lights too.”

“Sure I realize that this may be an uncomfortable environment to work in due to all of the heat and brightness coming from all the lights but since nobody will be in the office, who the hell cares!”

“Waste that energy, sucka!”

“And again thank you for calling the Anti-Green Movement Hotline, The 10 Ways How To Not Go Green At Work Edition.”

“P.S. Before we hang up on your energy wasting butt, we here at this hotline would like for you to give yourselves a big round of applause for wasting 45 seconds of precious energy by using your phone to call this hotline! Keep up the good work you “good for nothing” energy waster and have a “nice energy wasting day!”

“Another P.S. Nothing in this script should be taken seriously. It’s for entertainment purposes only.”

Leave a comment »

IF YOU’RE HEARING THIS MESSAGE IT MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN FIRED FROM YOUR JOB, HERE ARE SEVERAL POSSIBLE REASONS WHY!


Back in 2007 I wrote a short comedy piece for the Rejection Hotline or rhbrands.com. Here is the long version of that piece. I also put the piece on my Instablogs.com web page.

SCRIPT TEXT:

“If you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”

“Possible reasons why you got canned are:”

“A. Using a company computer to view porno sites and failing to clean up your mess afterwards.”

“B. Sexually harassing ugly co-workers over the age of 30.”

“Sexually harassing ugly co-workers under the age of 29 is completely acceptable and within company guidelines.”

“C. Stealing company property then selling it and not giving the janitor his 50 percent cut.”

“D. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Republican and you’re a no good bleeding heart, tree-huggin’ Democrat.”

“E. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Democrat and you’re a greedy environment-ruining, equal rights bashing Republican.”

“F. You’re a victim of corporate downsizing which means you were fired for no good reason at all.”

“G. Your contract with the company wasn’t renewed because the printer ran out of ink due to all the 50 year old employees photocopying their butts.”

“H. Your body odor and bad breath have been slowly killing the plants.”

“I. You’ve been late arriving at work because of being picked up for drunk driving 81 times and 80 is the company limit.”

“J. You’re salary demands were way too low which is a disgrace to greedy employees everywhere.”

“K. You don’t get along with any of your co-workers because you are the only one there who actually works unlike everybody else who are only there to check their Facebook pages, make long distance calls and steal the postage stamps.”

“L. The boss found out that you had sex on the breakroom microwave and didn’t have the decency to tape it and upload it a’la Paris Hilton-style onto the internet for everyone to see!”

“M. You got caught lying about being sick when you were spotted at a Morris Albert concert that same day.”

“P.S. The reason why you were fired wasn’t because you lied, it was because you actually went to see Morris Albert in concert and no company can have their employees engaging in that kind of sick-ass behavior, i.e. Morris Albert and his crappy love song, ‘Feelings’ sucks! Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings. Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings.”

“And I hope that this message doesn’t hurt your feelings because as a reminder if you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”

“To put is nicely, you’ve been terminated, dismissed, sacked, let go, axed, kicked to the curb, chucked, discharged and sacked.”

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: