Archive for Humor & Funny Things

ELECTION 2016, WHAT WILL YOU BE? A SONG WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN


Verse 1:

-Ted Cruz was the first one to break his presidential run cherry,
-Rest in peace, “Bitch, set me up”, former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry,
-Don’t ya’ll think Monica Lewinsky’s 2015 comeback is precursor-ass scary,
-On no, Election 2016, i’m starting to feel a little bit wary,
-Oh Election 2016, I need some alka seltzer, Jesus, Joseph and Mary!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 2:

-My fellow Americans if Hilary is elected her husband will fuck every intern in the White House, he likes em’ young, baby,
-My fellow Americans if any Republican is elected they will give more tax breaks to the ultra rich like the Koch brothers, loud-ass carbonated burp, honey,
-Oh shut up liberal and leave Bristol Palin and other unqualified politician’s youngin’s be,
-Go suck an egg conservative before spending some of that leftover pocketed super pac money,
-Ahhh, Election 2016, the mudslinging goal, make your political opponent look like one hell of a pussy!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 3:

-Racism, poverty, immigration, usually not problems facing the tea party,
-Democrats in regards to these problems aren’t exactly Mother Teresa saintly,
-Oh fair candidate, oh dark candidate, we oh so need you to help us fix problems like these urgently,
-Show yourself gallant sir or bewitching maiden and lead us to economic and social prosperity,
-Election 2016 candidates, show us you really care, not Obamacare, oh so swiftly!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 4:

-Candidates, try not to Aaron Schock us by spending taxpayer money ala Downton Abbey,
-Or wiping your email server clean when you are not supposed to ala Clinton Hillary,
-Stop all the bullshit and fulfill all your campaign promises to your constituency,
-Bring back honor to politics and end the stereotypical rhetoric about politicians asap,
-Then you will see more people turning out to vote in elections incessantly! (Whoopee)

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 5:

-So Republicans, rush rush to the polls and do the Limbaugh baby,
-And Democrats hurry hurry to the polls and honor the Kennedy legacy,
-And if you like to masturbate, go out and vote Independently,
-Whatever gets you off, just make your voice heard great sex loudly,
-But most of all, American red, white and blue star spangled proudly!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

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SCONES & TEA!


Verse 1:

-More tea, my lady,
-Thank you, mummy,
-You look beautiful in that frock from my wardrobe, my lady,
-Thank you, mummy,
-Do you need to go to the loo, my lady,
-No thank you, mummy,
-Time to check the chocolate chip scones from the oven, my lady,
-Must you really, mummy,
-Do you want them to burn, my lady,
-Now you’re really being cheeky, mummy,

Chorus:

-Scones and tea,
-Make me feel like aristocratic royalty,
-Having so much fun with mummy,
-Keep playing forever with me,
-At my fairy tale afternoon tea party, 
-Build mummy/daughter cherished memory,
-In photo album for all the world to see,
-Happy Mother’s Day, I love you mummy,

Verse 2:

-Do you want to do the waltz now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-Do you want me to fight that big ol’ dragon now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-Do you want me to crown you with this pink tiara now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-After all of this hard work can I get some hugs and kisses from you now, my lady,
-Is it something that you feel strongly about and truly need from me, daddy,
-Good god yes, my beloved and extremely cheeky little lady,
-Then I shall come forth and proceed but since we still have lots to do I will make it quick, daddy,

Chorus:

-Scones and tea,
-Make me feel like aristocratic royalty,
-Having so much fun with daddy,
-Keep playing forever with me,
-At my fairy tale afternoon tea party, 
-Build daddy/daughter cherished memory,
-In photo album for all the world to see,
-Happy Father’s Day, I love you daddy,

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QUESTIONS POP CULTURE STYLE!


-Why do people who call themselves fashion experts always dress so badly?
-Why is it that even when you are careful you still spill stuff on your clean clothes?
-Why does the mailman always deliver important packages to you when you are gone?
-Why do parents say “i’m doing this because I love you” right before they punish you?
-Why is it that when you really want a cold drink there is only one ice cube in the ice tray?
-Why is it that whenever you are watching something good on tv the phone rings?
-Why is it that when you have to poop in a public place someone is always around?
-Why must Hollywood remake kick-ass old movies into crappy-ass bad ones? 

-Hmmm,
-Question, questions in my mind,
-I sometimes ponder them all the time,
-Seeking ways on how to solve them,
-But if I cant, no biggie, no real sin,
-But if I can, I really do feel that I win,
-So bring it on questions, i’m smart, kingpin,
-Perplextion to reflection, questions, let the mind games begin! 

-Why does your menstrual period always come down when you are wearing white clothing? 
-Why can’t there be more clever word play in songs like “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue?” 
-Why didn’t any of the skanks on Sex and the City get HIV as much as they screwed around? 
-Why do kids prefer a flat-ass McDonald’s hamburger to a big-ass hamburger made by their mom? 
-Why do killers in tv shows and movies always walk slowly while the victim hauls serious ass?  
-Why is it that people like Rob Kardashian with business degrees can’t get a real job? 
-Why do cats lick their nasty-ass saliva all over their bodies then declare themselves to be clean? 
-Why does the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year keep getting pushed forward? 

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WHAT HOURS DO YOU SELL BOOZE?


Sorry, I don’t know what hours we sell liquor maam,
When I heard those words I thought really goddamn,
Cause’ if I was any kind of a store employee,
That is the first thing for certain I would know baby,
For me, for a store to be legit,
They better know what hours they sell their 50 proof shit,
I mean one of the best perks of the damn job,
For any hardworking minimum wage paid store slob,
Would be after work Miller time, hey, and a shot of Jim Beam,
And if this customer comes after hours and can’t buy hootch i’m gonna’ scream,
And if this customer calls for the hours and gets transferred alot cause’ you don’t know,
You better believe i’m gonna’ be pissed and tell your ass where to go,
So 7-Eleven, CVS, Walmart and all other stores regarding training, do your damn job,
You so-called friendly convenience corporations before your confronted by an angry mob,
And first have your employees memorize what hours your store sells the liquor at,
And this Sherlock Holmes will find it in any store aisle less than a minute flat,
Baby, I promise you that!

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JUST LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS, MAKING FUN OF PARIS HILTON WILL ALWAYS BE IN STYLE!


Here is a spoof piece that I wrote about lame-ass heiress, Paris Hilton a couple of years ago.
Paris Hilton To Tour Flood-Damaged Iowa On July 25th!
First President George Bush did it, then John McCain did it.  And of course the next logical candidate to tour areas damaged and destroyed by massive flooding in Iowa is none other than Paris Hilton!
(Insert your snicker here!)
According to a close friend of mine from Des Moines, rumors have been swirling the past week that there have been phone conversations between Paris Hilton and Iowa Governor Chet Culver about the heiress touring flood damaged areas of Iowa with Hilton expressing an interest on touring the state on July 25th.
One question immediately sprang to my mind after being informed of this rumor.
Why the hell would this rich, spoiled, talentless self-centered woman want to tour Iowa when the state is going through such a difficult time let alone on this specific date?
My answer, who the hell knows!
But this is one writer who’s not going to pass up an opportunity to speculate why.
So, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Paris Hilton wants to tour flood damaged Iowa on July 25th:
10.  When Hilton was released from jail due to violating her probation last year she vowed to visit Rwanda, but as of this date hasn’t, and let’s face it, never will because of her “busy” schedule so she probably figured visiting Iowa was good enough because it’s a foreign country too.
9.   Her pampered pooch, Tinkerbell threatened to sell her latest sex tape in high definition 3D if she didn’t get her bony butt out of the state for awhile and give her a break.  (As if Iowans haven’t suffered enough from the floods already, here comes Paris Hilton to wreck the day!)
8.   As the self-proclaimed “iconic blonde of the decade” she felt it was her duty to spread goodwill to Iowa through her blondness and stupidness.
7.   ARE YOU KIDDING!  Touring flood damaged Iowa is a major photo op baby and there ain’t no way in hell Paris Hilton is gonna’ miss out on that action!
6.   Being voted the second “worst celebrity role model of 2006” behind Britney Spears has inspired her to try to change her image.  (Good luck honey because that just ain’t gonna’ happen in this lifetime!)
5.   Paris is pissed off at her latest boytoy, Benji Madden for saying that the late great superstar acting dog, Benji was “hotter” than Tinkerbell.  (Now that’s hot!)
4.  Paris plans on holding a “famous for being famous” rally Howard Dean-style in Iowa to find a new bff.  (Because not only is she going to Iowa, Howard Dean she’s going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then she’s going to California and Texas and New York … And then she’s going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and when she finally finds her new bff they are going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeah!)
3.  Paris wants to give away free copies of her flop movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, to try to cheer victims of the Iowa flood up.  (Omigod!)
2.  Paris is hoping to get an autographed picture of Iowa band, Slipknot, to sell on ebay to help raise money for the victims of the flood rather than digging into her own deep pockets.
1.   She wants publicity, pure and simple, for her upcoming movie, song, clothing line, perfume, dog adoption, runway gig, burger commercial or whatever else this chick is trying  to shove down the American public’s throats.  (Ewww, gross!)
Hey Paris, do everyone a favor and especially Iowa, stay at home!

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HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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IF I COULD GIVE “GIRL ON FIRE” FOR THE MOMENT, JENNIFER LAWRENCE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT WOULD BE …..


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

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