Archive for Retro

JUST LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS, MAKING FUN OF PARIS HILTON WILL ALWAYS BE IN STYLE!


Here is a spoof piece that I wrote about lame-ass heiress, Paris Hilton a couple of years ago.
Paris Hilton To Tour Flood-Damaged Iowa On July 25th!
First President George Bush did it, then John McCain did it.  And of course the next logical candidate to tour areas damaged and destroyed by massive flooding in Iowa is none other than Paris Hilton!
(Insert your snicker here!)
According to a close friend of mine from Des Moines, rumors have been swirling the past week that there have been phone conversations between Paris Hilton and Iowa Governor Chet Culver about the heiress touring flood damaged areas of Iowa with Hilton expressing an interest on touring the state on July 25th.
One question immediately sprang to my mind after being informed of this rumor.
Why the hell would this rich, spoiled, talentless self-centered woman want to tour Iowa when the state is going through such a difficult time let alone on this specific date?
My answer, who the hell knows!
But this is one writer who’s not going to pass up an opportunity to speculate why.
So, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Paris Hilton wants to tour flood damaged Iowa on July 25th:
10.  When Hilton was released from jail due to violating her probation last year she vowed to visit Rwanda, but as of this date hasn’t, and let’s face it, never will because of her “busy” schedule so she probably figured visiting Iowa was good enough because it’s a foreign country too.
9.   Her pampered pooch, Tinkerbell threatened to sell her latest sex tape in high definition 3D if she didn’t get her bony butt out of the state for awhile and give her a break.  (As if Iowans haven’t suffered enough from the floods already, here comes Paris Hilton to wreck the day!)
8.   As the self-proclaimed “iconic blonde of the decade” she felt it was her duty to spread goodwill to Iowa through her blondness and stupidness.
7.   ARE YOU KIDDING!  Touring flood damaged Iowa is a major photo op baby and there ain’t no way in hell Paris Hilton is gonna’ miss out on that action!
6.   Being voted the second “worst celebrity role model of 2006” behind Britney Spears has inspired her to try to change her image.  (Good luck honey because that just ain’t gonna’ happen in this lifetime!)
5.   Paris is pissed off at her latest boytoy, Benji Madden for saying that the late great superstar acting dog, Benji was “hotter” than Tinkerbell.  (Now that’s hot!)
4.  Paris plans on holding a “famous for being famous” rally Howard Dean-style in Iowa to find a new bff.  (Because not only is she going to Iowa, Howard Dean she’s going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then she’s going to California and Texas and New York … And then she’s going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and when she finally finds her new bff they are going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeah!)
3.  Paris wants to give away free copies of her flop movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, to try to cheer victims of the Iowa flood up.  (Omigod!)
2.  Paris is hoping to get an autographed picture of Iowa band, Slipknot, to sell on ebay to help raise money for the victims of the flood rather than digging into her own deep pockets.
1.   She wants publicity, pure and simple, for her upcoming movie, song, clothing line, perfume, dog adoption, runway gig, burger commercial or whatever else this chick is trying  to shove down the American public’s throats.  (Ewww, gross!)
Hey Paris, do everyone a favor and especially Iowa, stay at home!

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IF I COULD GIVE “GIRL ON FIRE” FOR THE MOMENT, JENNIFER LAWRENCE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT WOULD BE …..


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

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I KNOW THAT IT’S BEEN SAID MANY MANY TIMES BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN, THE NEW YAHOO EMAIL STINKS!


Yahoo, how could you!

Why did you have to replace the uber-fantastic classic Yahoo Mail with the ultra-shitty new Yahoo Mail?

It totally stinks!

And why do you feel the need to trick your customers who have and love classic Yahoo Mail into switching to the new stinky Yahoo Mail by any means necessary!

Bait and switch, Yahoo, that ain’t right!

Yahoo, why won’t you let those customers who don’t like the new Yahoo Mail switch back to the old but totally kick-ass classic Yahoo Mail if they want to?

Yahoo, haven’t you bitches and bastards ever heard of a democracy?

Obviously not because if you did I wouldn’t have written this blog post trashing your icky new email system.

Yahoo, I want you consider this.

Most people in life don’t want to eat vanilla ice cream all of their lives!

They want fucking variety like chocolate, butter pecan and cherry garcia!

Hey Yahoo, I hope you faux-genuises get the hint of this blog post!

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I WANT THE OLD KIM RICHARDS BACK ASAP!


As a fan of the reality tv show, The Real Housewives of Orange County, I decided to check out one of their sister shows, the The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last week on cable on the station ON DEMAND when I was bored and had nothing else better to do and received the shock of my life!

As I was watching the show I couldn’t believe it when I saw one of my favorite child stars, a barely recognizable Kim Richards and heard about her problems with alcohol and Brandi Glanville‘s tale of her carrying around a shit-stained travel pillow!

As an adult child of an alcoholic who has severed all ties with her alcoholic father and hasn’t seen his sorry ass in over ten years due to the fact that he refused to stop drinking, hitting his wife, verbally abusing his children and at times threatening to harm them physically, I really hope that Kim’s children have not severed all ties with her because of her alcoholism.

I also wanted to say that as a fan of your films, Escape to Witch Mountain and Tuff Turf Kim, I hope and I know that with perseverance, hard work and will power that you can conquer your demons with the bottle and have a happy life and hopefully return to the big screen again!

Fans of yours like me really miss you!  Good luck to you Kim and may God bless you!

P.S.     When I was a youngster I always wanted a black cat named Winky, a starcase, to be in a fun yet cheesy 80’s cult movie with brilliant actor Robert Downey Jr.  and to dance around seductively for hunky talented actor James Spader in a fun yet cheesy 80’s cult movie and give him a big kiss too!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 2)


Guys, let me give you some advice, don’t ever brew your date some coffee in a 1970’s tube sock!

First of all guys, it’s not only damn stupid but it’s also damn wrong!

Guys, I know that your date specifically expressed to you her need for a cup of strong-ass coffee before you go out on your date but guys stop the damn madness and do the right and sanitary thing and brew the damn coffee in a coffeemaker with a whole canful of coffee grounds instead of taking the totally dumb-ass route and brewing the damn coffee in your ultra-sweaty, ultra-nasty, ultra-germy, ultra-stinky 1970’s tube socks that you worked out in the gym for three hours in and have been laying around on your laundry room floor for the past five days!

Trust me guys, your date’s delicate digestive system will thank the hell out of you for it!

And for all of you guys out there still torn on this issue because of three things and those three things being:

1. You know that 100% your 1970’s tube sock, some piping hot water and a pinch of coffee grounds would definitely make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for better than any coffeemaker would.

2. You have a kinky-ass foot fetish due to seeing Amy Irving, Nancy Allen and Betty Buckley prancing around tantalizingly in tube socks in the seventies cult horror movie classic, Carrie.

3. Your hoping at the end of your date that you will see your date prance around for you buck naked in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com

Guys, stop the damn madness, then seek some quickie online psychiatric professional help at crazyassmofoswithweirdassfootfetishes.com and then make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for but make the damn coffee in a damn coffeemaker with a shitload of coffee grounds thrown in and maybe just maybe your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will come true!

But guys, let me tell you that your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will definitely not come true if you brew her a cup of coffee in your tube sock!

But guys, you are grown men and the decision is entirely up to you.

But if it were me, i’d brew the coffee in a damn coffeemaker like a civilized human being!

Geez!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!

You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!

Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!

Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!

Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?

So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!

So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: WHY AM I THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT DICK CHENEY HAS HIS OWN OFFICIAL VICE PRESIDENTIAL DIGS?


This is a piece that I wrote back in May 2008 on Instablogs for the 2008 Presidential Election. So jump into the retro time machine and enjoy a gem from 2008!

Hey!

Am I the only person in the United States of America who didn’t know that there was a Vice Presidential Mansion?

I feel so dumb!

I feel so left out!

I’m really hurt!

To think that I had to hear about this interesting fact on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno while he was telling a joke!

How come they didn’t teach this stuff back in the 70’s when I was in elementary school!

Damn catholic schools!

Why am I always the last to know things!

Why couldn’t I have read it in a text book in school just like everybody else!

Why must I always be left out of the loop!

I’m really hurt!

In fact, i’m devastated!

I just hope I have the fortitude to finish writing this story.

(Okay Tina, enough of this pity party, you can do it! Channel your emotions and finish writing this story! Okay?)

(Okay!)

P.S. I was briefly talking to myself but that’s over with now and i’m talking to you.

Anyhoo back to the show!

I mean, I knew that the Vice President lived somewhere, I knew the guy wasn’t exactly homeless or anything but I never thought that he had his own OFFICIAL residence!

It just sounds so formal!

You go, boy!

No offense to the Veep an all, but for me, i’m mostly all about the President and think of our Vice President as an afterthought.

But this whole Vice Presidential mansion thing has me looking at this guy in a whole new light.

I feel kinda’ proud of the guy.

Go figure!

Hey!

For those of you out there like me who also didn’t know that the Veep had an official residence either here’s a little info.

His digs are called Number One Observatory Circle.

A weird name I first thought too until I found out that the joint was located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. hence the name.

Duh!

The house was built in 1893 and Vice President Walter Mondale was the first Veep to live in the house full-time and every Veep since then has lived at Number One Observatory Circle.

Cool beans!

Gee whiz, why am I always the last person to know about things!

I just hope that there’s nothing else about the Veep that I don’t know.

If Dick Cheney has an Air Force 2 airplane or a tacky intern mistress ala’ Monica Lewinsky that everybody else knows about but me, i’m going to be totally pissed!

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