Posts tagged Santa

SANTA BABY STOCKING STUFFED WITH SANTA BABY LYRICS!


santababystocking

With my favorite holiday approaching I think that this is the appropriate time to share with you one of my favorite Christmas songs, Santa Baby.  The lyrics are below.  Many people have recorded this song but my favorite singer of this song is Eartha Kitt! Happy Holidays!  Enjoy!

SANTA BABY LYRICS:

(Baboom baboom baboom baboom)
(Baboom baboom baboom baboom)
Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a fifty-four convertible too
Light blue
I’ll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I’ve missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you’ll check off my Christmas list
Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, one little thing I really need the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex
And checks
Sign your ‘x’ on the line
Santa cutie, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I don’t mean on the phone
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight

Songwriters
JOAN JAVITS, PHILIP SPRINGER, TONY SPRINGER

 

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TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES FOR CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE NYC! (LIGHTBULB 4)


Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, I couldn’t help but notice that some of your Christmas productions are really quite beautiful!

However……….

I have also noticed that some of your Christmas productions have also taken a big-ass dose of ex-lax and become quite regular.

And Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, sometimes that regularity shit ain’t good.

I mean, come on ya’ll, it’s Christmas and it’s the Big Apple for Christ’s sake!

Ya’ll bitches really need to shake it up and show the world that NYC still has some kick-ass Christmas cred.

And low and behold, I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden, am here to help ya’ll with that.

Hey!

Red and green lightbulb!

Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, have you hallowed bastions of Christmas glory ever considered doing a special Xmas version of the hit 1986 song, Yah Mo B There by Michael McDonald and James Ingram?

To further bolster my yuletide business lightbulb, check out these kick-ass holy spiritual lyrics:

Yah Mo B There!

(Song Lyrics By James Ingram/Michael McDonald/Rod Temperton/Quincy Jones)

(Verse 1)

Heavenly father watching us all
We take from each other and give nothing at all
Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So if your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]

Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 2)

Never be lonely lost in the night
Just run from the darkness
Looking for the light
‘Cause it’s a long hard road
That leads to a brighter day (hey)
Don’t let your heart grow cold
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 3)

You can count on it brother
‘Cause we’re all just finding our way
Travelling through time
People got to keep pushing on
No matter how many dreams slip away
Yah will be there

(Verse 4)

Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So when your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

Yah mo be there, I will be there
Yah mo be there, When you need a friend
Yah mo be there, yeah ill be there whenever you call

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Now ain’t those song lyrics beautiful but cool!

And you know

Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular what would be even cooler?

It would be oh so cool to see a Jesus look-a-like and a big ol’ jolly Santa look-a-like up on your big-ass stages performing the song Yah Mo B There at Christmas time in front of the masses!

It would definitely be something different and break you out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle.

I’ll tell ya’ NYC that even I would pay big money to see Jesus and Santa doing a soulful rendition of the song, Yah Mo B There while at the same time shakin’ their booties and gettin’ down with their good selves to this song.

(P.S. That’s some ultra-funny but ultra-inspiring shit!)

So Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular do yourselves a big-ass favor and get off of your ex-lax asses and immediately license the song, Yah Mo B There for a musical production, pay the astronomical licensing fee, write a kick-ass musical number, rehearse the heck out of it then when the time is right, i.e. November 9th – December 30th start performing the hell, pun intended and sorry Jesus, outta that baby! And watch the yuletide dollars come rolling or should I say, prancing in!

By the by, Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular you NYC giants might also want to consider teaming up with Lance Manufacturing, LLC because they are the owners of the Archway Cookies brand in order to sell their ever popular Bells & Stars Christmas Cookies during your holiday musical performances and in exchange Lance/Archway could put photos of either Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular on their cookie packages to further promote your Christmas holiday performances. That way you’ll have profitable but tasty Christmas dollars prancing in at Xmas every year! And what a lovely yet delicious Christmas tradition that would make!

Hallelujah and Amen!

And another P.S. Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular if you really want to break out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle, you might also want to consider performing two other Michael McDonald songs for your Christmas productions.

Perform the song, I Keep Forgetting, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a female vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.”

And perform the song, Sweet Freedom, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a male vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type red, white and blue hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.” And don’t forget to add in a dancing Statue of Liberty!

That way you’ll have three kick-ass Christmas musical numbers to represent and give kick-ass cred to the NYC!

Really take a bite out of the big candied apple at Christmas time this year!

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IT’S NEW YEAR’S HUMOR TIME: SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!


(After thirteen tries, an extremely pissed off Mrs. Claus finally manages to opens up her laptop. She will record the following message using her webcam. The message will go up immediately on her YouTube page when she is finished. Mrs. Claus has decided to record the message in her home office. Appearancewise, Mrs. Claus looks like stir fried shit and her breath is also jacked-up as well and also smells like stir fried shit too. On top of Mrs. Claus’ ugly-ass rolltop desk are many empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a half full bottle of Jim Beam. Mrs. Claus picks up the half full bottle of Jim Beam and takes a hearty swig then returns it with a loud plunk to her ugly-ass rolltop desk. Mrs. Claus then looks directly into the webcam then burps loudly. The bitch is totally fucked up! Mrs. Claus then begins to record her message in an extremely irritating high pitched slurred-ass voice.)

“Happy New Year, Children!”

“This is Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus’ soon to be ex-wife.”

“I know that you usually hear a special New Year’s message from Santa but unfortunately Santa Claus is currently unavailable because he got arrested for having phone sex with some whore named Molly last night.”

“So, he very well couldn’t send his special New Year’s message to you from the slammer now could he?”

“Hey Santa, I’m gonna’ take you to the cleaners, you fat bastard! Nobody humiliates me like this without paying a steep price, asshole!”

“Movin’ on!”

“So I, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Claus graciously told Santa that I would deliver a special New Year’s message for him this year.”

“Children, my New Year’s message for you this year is short and simple, “DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH!”

“To demonstrate my meaning, i’m going to read you an article that appeared in today’s paper that your parents probably hid from you.”

January 1, 2013

SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Usually for jolly ol’ Saint Nick, New Year’s Day is one of his favorite days off of work. It is a day where he can rest and relax after a hectic Christmas season. But not this year!

At a press conference this morning, police confirmed that Santa Claus a.k.a. Kris Kringle was arrested at 2:03 a.m. on New Years Day at Chez Skank Restaurant. He was formally charged with two crimes. Santa was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct and simulating a lewd act in a public place.

“Apparently after eating 81 hot cross buns and downing 94 hot buttered rum shots, Santa was feeling a little “hot” himself and wanted to get his “buns buttered”, if ya’ know what I mean!” Officer Ted Butts said in a low-down dirty voice while winking at the snickering reporters who knew exactly what the flatfoot meant.

Officer Butts said that since Santa was in a festive mood he decided to take advantage of one of the kick-backs that he received from Chez Skank. In return for Santa coming to the upscale restaurant a couple of times a year, he was given free meals, drinks and phone sex. Santa decided on the latter since his big-ass was already full from the 81 hot cross buns he wolfed down and he was so damn tired of pissing up a storm from the 94 hot buttered rum shots that he had guzzled down earlier that engaging in phone sex seemed like the next logical step. So phone sex it was!

At a little after 1:00 a.m. on New Years Day, Santa whipped out his big pink phallus-shaped cellphone from his pants and let his fingers do the walking. A few seconds later, Santa was connected to Molly, a phone sex operator for the Politically Correct Happy Holidays Adult Hotline. Patrons and staff of the upscale restaurant were both shocked and amused when they heard Santa moaning loudly and uttering the following:

“Do you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me how bad you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me all of your dirty little thoughts!”
“Are you a bad girl, Molly?”
“Do you want Santa to be naughty or nice?”
“Oh yes, do you know how much you are turning me on baby?”
“Tis’ the season to be spanked by Molly. Fa, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La!”
“Mmmm baby, you know what I was thinking about doing to you?”

Various witnesses reported that Santa then put his big-ass dick-shaped cellphone down on the table and switched on the speaker phone. Next, Santa picked up a long thin breadstick from the bread basket that was sitting on the table then put three pats of butter on it and then started to rub it sensually up and down.

“Molly baby, I want to rub your body from head to toe with some hot butter. Would you like that baby?” Santa cooed.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!” Molly screamed. “Tell me more! Tell me more, big daddy!”

Santa chucked. And it wasn’t one of those “jolly” chuckles either. It was a low-down nasty dirty chuckle.

Next, Santa started to lick the breadstick all over.

“Molly, I want to slowly lick some hot butter off of your body. Can I do that baby?” Santa asked.

“Yes, yes, do it! Do it, big daddy and don’t you ever stop licking hot butter off of my body ever! You’re the king! You are the king! Do it, I want more! Oh yes, I want more! Oh yes!”

“Sarah Petersen, Chez Skank’s maitre d’ had finally had enough.” Officer Butts said. “But let me clarify. Sarah hadn’t had enough of hearing Santa have phone sex.” According to Sarah, “she could have listened to that shit all night!” “What Sarah had had enough of was all the patrons demanding to be seated next to Santa the next time he came into Chez Skank. When she had to turn down a few of the patrons because all of the seats next to Santa were taken, Sarah was threatened with guns and knives if she didn’t make seating available. That was when Miss Petersen called the police.” Officer Butts said.

Santa is currently being held at Fruitcake Hall, a luxury prison in Beverly Hills, until his arraignment on January 4th.

Chez Skank, which is an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills world-famous for it’s murals on the walls of the top skanks in Hollywood, plans to commemorate Santa’s bust by putting a mural of him up on the wall in February 2013. Current mural honorees are Paris & Nicky Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Tara Reid, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna and any other chick or metrosexual in Hollywood who claims that they didn’t know that you could see their breasts, vajayjays, or cocks through the sheer gowns or pants that they were wearing to the Oscars, Grammys, MTV Music Awards or Razzies.

“So, children to recap, my New Year’s message to you for the year 2013 is ‘DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH’!”

“Goodbye children, have a happy and safe new year and don’t ‘f’ it up like jolly ol’ St. Nick!”

“By the by you lying cheating bastard, i’m gonna’ take your fat-ass to the cleaners!”

Humorous Christmas Gifts at: http://www.cafepress.com

BY THE BY, MY NAME IS TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYED THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE NEW YEAR! REMEMBER IF YOU GET FUCKED UP OR PISSY DRUNK LIKE MRS. CLAUS’ DUMB-ASS DURING THE HOLIDAYS, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE WEBCAM AND ALSO DO THE RIGHT THING AND DON’T DRIVE DRUNK! EITHER DESIGNATE A SAFE SOBER DRIVER, CALL A CAB OR WALK! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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IT’S CHRISTMAS HUMOR TIME: YOU AIN’T GONNA’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT, DID YOU HEAR SANTA CLAUS’ HOLIDAY MESSAGE ON THE SANTA HOTLINE?!


(Santa is in his home office sitting at his desk. Santa quickly scans the instruction booklet then presses the “record” button on his new telephone answering machine and begins to record the following message for the kids who will call his new Santa Hotline. By the by, Santa’s broke-ass will be charging the kids $3.99 per call.)

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Kids!”

“Can you believe it, Christmas is almost here!”

“We are all very busy in the North Pole. The elves are wrapping the presents, Mrs Claus is baking lots of Christmas cookies and mending my Santa Suit and I am cleaning the sleigh and helping Rudolph and the other reindeer practice their flying for the big day.”

“It won’t be long before I am high above the skies of your homes on Christmas Eve dropping presents to all you good boys and girls.”

“I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

“I love you all very much and I will see you soon!”

“Bye!”

“And kids before I forget, don’t you forget to leave me a message telling me what gift you want for Christmas after the beep.”

(Santa presses the “stop” button on his new telephone answering machine because he has finished recording his holiday message to the kids on his new hotline but unbeknownst to Santa he has misread the instructions and was supposed to press the “stop” button TWICE on his new telephone answering machine to stop recording. Unfortunately for Santa but fortunate for everybody who reads this blog post his new telephone answering machine keeps on recording and in a short time all of the kids who call Santa’s Hotline will hear the following extended message too.)

(Santa lets out a loud breath of air then begins to talk to himself.)

“Whew! It sure feels good to get that shit over with!”

“Fuckin’ snot-nosed brats!”

“Now, I can kick back and relax in my Barca lounger with a cold brew and work on my New Year’s Resolutions while motormouth is in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and fixing my Santa suit. Goddamn, that woman can talk! She never shuts the hell up!”

“At times like this, I wish to hell that I had never married her, but of course the bitch got pregnant so I had no choice!”

“Of course, no sooner than she gets the damn ring on her finger, she loses the baby so basically I married her sorry-ass for nothing!”

“Figures! I really wanted that kid!”

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later.”

“I’ll tell ya’ if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”

“Good ol’ St. Nick, my ass muthafucker!”

“Anyway…….Okay, Jolly ol’ St. Nick, stop it! You need to relax. For an hour or so, try to forget about that loud-ass motormouth bitch that you’re married to and focus on your New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

(Santa gets up from his desk then walks over to the mini-fridge in the corner of his office and takes out a six pack of Bud Light. He then walks over to the other side of his office where there is a Barca Lounger and a small table. Santa plunks the six pack of beer loudly down onto the table then throws himself happily down into his Barca Lounger. He reaches his right hand down into the Barca Lounger’s side pocket and pulls out a pen and a pad of paper.)

“Okay here we go, Santa’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

“Stop cheating on the wife with other “ho’s” which is one of the many perks of the job, thank god!” (“In my defense, if I don’t cheat how else am I gonna’ have the son or daughter that I so desperately want because that dumb-ass wife of mine is sterile.”)

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later and call ‘Samantha the Panther’ later for a late night booty call.”

“Stop stealing the “good” presents from under the Christmas trees then replacing them with totally “lame” gifts and laughing about it later.” (“In my defense, I can’t help it that i’m overworked and underpaid and don’t have the time or money to buy jack-shit!”)

“Get a faster “ride” like a Hummer because Rudolph and the other reindeer are just too damn slow! I’m a playa’ whose got things to do and places to go!”

“Once I get the Hummer, get some music that my car can bounce to like all those stoned rappers on MTV.”

“Exercise and eat right every day so that I can become a lean mean fighting machine! (Personal note to self: Tuesday, stay up until 3:00 a.m. so that I can catch one of those infomercials that sell the George Foreman Grill or order it off of his website at http://www.georgeforemancooking.com)”

“Reward any weight loss with a couple of packages of Hostess Ho-Ho’s and a gallon of chocolate milk.”

“Change name to “Santy D” or “STD” to increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

“Be more politically correct by eliminating my trademark chant, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Instead try to say, “Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman, except around Mrs. Claus who is nothing but a loud-ass-never-shuts-the-hell-up Ho, Ho, Ho!”

“Replace my red and white santa hat with a do-rag and my black boots with timberlands to further increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

(Unbeknownst to Santa, the disc is full and the “record” button on Santa’s new telephone answering machine clicks off.)

Humorous Christmas Gifts at http://www.cafepress.com

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY! MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN! HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY!

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TKP’S “BIGGER THAN JFK” CONSPIRACY THEORIES! (CONSPIRACY 1: THE SPANISH CHANNEL)


Am I the only person who has noticed that no matter whether you have a kick-ass cable provider or have the most expensive antenna that money can buy or have only a crappy-ass pair of rabbit ears wrapped up with a shitload of aluminum foil that The Spanish Channel is the only television channel that always seems to come in crystal clear?

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

I mean people, let’s look at the facts.

Even back in the day when television was broadcast in an analog format on big-ass boxy television sets The Spanish Channel always came in crystal clear then, too!

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

And it doesn’t matter where a person lives either. Hell, a person could be living in a small-ass state like Iowa or in a big-ass snowy tundra like the North Pole and still get a picture perfect signal to The Spanish Channel. (Sorry Santa, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle or whatever the hell your name is, that’s just how it is! Ho! Ho! Ho!)

And speaking of “ho’s”, The Spanish Channel is one nasty bitch that you can’t get rid of!

I mean a place could be hit by a hurricane, tornado or noreaster and the power be knocked out for days but you better believe that as soon as the power has been restored the first channel that will appear on your television screen is The Spanish Channel.

And if that doesn’t smell of a conspiracy nothing else does!

And why is it that when you don’t speak a lick of Spanish that you always seem to get multiple Spanish Channels on your television set?

WTF?!

I mean what is this grade school? Are we the naughty-little students and The Spanish Channel is the mean-ass ruler-wielding teacher trying to punish us for not learning the Spanish language?

I mean what the fuck is going on?

Conspiracy, baby, conspiracy! It can only be a conspiracy!

Hey, don’t get me wrong, Spanish is a beautiful language and all but shouldn’t a person be allowed to learn their A-B-C’s in whatever language that they want?

Hey, don’t we have rights, Spanish Channel?!

Like the underappreciated, okay-looking but extremely annoying middle child, Jan Brady once said in a corny-ass episode of The Brady Bunch with much frustration, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

But on this day, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, much appreciated, cute-ass middle-aged black female with an absolutely brilliant temperment am now saying to people all over the world in this blog post with as much frustration as Jan Brady had, “The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel!”

Hey, whoever the hell is behind this conspiracy, please do me a favor and stop!

I can’t take it anymore!

I’m losing my mind! (Which is exactly what you bastard’s want! You want personally for Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden to lose her mind because she’s so cute-ass and brilliant unlike that okay-looking-ass loser, Jan Brady! It’s obvious, baby!)

Spanish Channel, get a damn life and knock it off!

Please!

By the by Spanish Channel, adios, amigos!

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